Month: April 2012

Frequently Not Asked Questions: One

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Frequently Not Asked Questions (FNAQ) is a new feature on this blog. This feature will appear infrequently, so I suggest that you frequently not expect it.

 

How did you get so old?

 

This is a great question. Thank you for asking.

 

First, let me say that it takes time. You cannot rush into it. I’ve discovered what I call the Seven Secrets to Growing Older. (It’s the title of my new book, soon to be launched on the Amazon.) I don’t want to give too much of it away, but I’ll let you in on the first secret: it’s called Monday. In the book, I explain how Monday and the six steps that follow are the key to getting older. I am confident that by practicing these steps over and over, anyone can grow older. In fact, I am so confident that my book comes with a lifetime guarantee!

 

Second, it helps if you start when you’re very young. I began at such a young age that I don’t have any recollection of when I started. Just as many writers can’t remember a time when they didn’t write, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t getting older. Please don’t think I’m bragging; I’m merely answering the question.

 

Third, you have to stay consistent. You can’t just stop and pick it up at a later date. Once you stop, you lose your chance to continue. This is probably the number one reason so many people fail to get old.

 

Fourth, you have to practice breathing. It’s related to the third point because it requires consistency. Some people find it tedious – in and out, in and out, all the livelong day – but I’ve found that once you do it enough, it becomes automatic. In fact, now I feel that I can’t live without it.

 

I credit time, an early start, consistency, and breathing with my ability to grow old. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my mother who not only encouraged me in my early efforts but also modeled the seven steps, soon to be revealed in my book. Of course, I don’t discount food and water any more than I discount my book.

 

(For more information about my book, stay here and read that first point again. For more information about the Amazon, go here.)

Last century’s pivotal event: The explication

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Before yesterday few people knew that the pivotal event of the last century was the airing of the Mickey Mouse Club in October 1955. Each week, millions of little Poppers (later known as Boomers) tuned in to watch the show and without even trying, memorized the catchy theme song.

The world has never been the same since. Most people of a certain age know most if not all of these words, but they have no idea what they really mean. That’s why I’m here, to reveal the true meaning.

Just for fun, let’s start at the beginning since it comes first. Feel free to sing the words as you read them.

Who’s the leader of the club

That’s made for you and me

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there

You’re as welcome as can be

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

 

Mickey Mouse!

 

Mickey Mouse!

First, note how it begins with the three words, “Who’s the leader.” Like the first three words of the Constitution, We the People, it is revolutionary and sets the tone for all that follows. The well-known bumper sticker “Question Authority” paraphrases those initial words and became the mantra of the 1960s.

The use of “club” in this lyrical question is used in the benign sense, and the following words “that’s made for you and me” led directly to the civil rights movement and the idea that everyone should be included in the “club,” which stands for U.S. society. Note the significance of “You’re as welcome as can be.” I hardly need to tell you that this is a paraphrase of Emma Lazarus’ poem “The New Colossus:”

 

“Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Next, think about the fact that Mickey’s name is spelled out. Is it any wonder that those hours spent spelling Mickey’s name led directly to spell-check on computers?  This point needs no further explanation.

Now let’s look at a portion of the song that had both a positive and negative influence.

Forever let us hold our banner

High! High! High! High!

The first line, Forever let us hold our banner, explains all of the banners and signs carried during the 1960s protesting war and discrimination. However, that four-fold repetition of the word “high” led directly to indiscriminate drug use in the 1960s and beyond. Was it intentional? It’s hard to say. However, if you recall, Disney was born on Tripp Avenue. You decide.

Come along and sing a song

And join the jamboree!

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

In this verse, we must look carefully at the word “jamboree,” which means “noisy revel.” This planted the idea for both rock concerts, most notably Woodstock, and in the same year,  the TV show, Hee Haw. 

 

 

Mickey Mouse club

We’ll have fun

We’ll be new faces

High! High! High! High!

In this stanza, we see the modern emphasis on having fun. All things and all events, including funerals, must have an element of fun if we want people to enjoy themselves. More importantly, the phrase We’ll be new faces led to a demand for  facelifts and fueled the $1.8 billion cosmetic surgery industry.

We’ll do things and

We’ll go places

All around the world

We’ll go marching

 

 

While this stanza is responsible for the invention of the computer and all other technological inventions of the last 50 years (We’ll do things) and the creation of our highly mobile society (We’ll go places), it undoubtedly influenced some of our policymakers to send our soldiers marching around the world. That’s the problem with taking too much of this song literally.

As you can see, there is much more to the Mickey Mouse Club theme song than most people realize. Many people are baffled by how cultures develop and history unfolds. I hope I have helped you in this.

Wikipedia helps everyday by sharing its photo album. Thank you, Wikipedia.

Last century’s pivotal event: The introduction

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Few people know the source of the radical change that convulsed the United States during the 1960s. Other than my imagination, in fact, I may be the only person who really knows. Since I am only a few hours of Internet searching away from becoming a full-fledged cultural anthropologist, I felt it I should share my findings with you.

 

Due to time constraints and my boss’ insistence that I show up for work, I will share this in two parts: the introduction and the explication.

 

THE INTRODUCTION

The pivotal event that led to the revolutionary change in U.S. society happened in October of 1955. Some things happened before that, of course, but if I go down that road, one thing will lead to another, and before you know it, we’ll be talking about the Greeks and Romans: it’s all connected. So, let’s just stick to October 1955 when the Mickey Mouse Club first aired.

 

The mastermind behind the show was named after a theme park: Disney. His parents called him Walt for short. For reasons that you’ll understand later, he was born on Tripp Avenue. He also had a childhood. He liked trains and, according the WTF encyclopedia (Wikipedia, the free), he liked to put his ear to the tracks to listen for trains coming. Apparently his sight and hearing weren’t very good, but in this way he developed what people in the arts call a “trained ear.” After dropping into high school, he dropped out. When enough time passed, he produced the Mickey Mouse Club.

 

A raging debate has been going on between me and my imagination about whether Disney knew what he was doing when he introduced America’s children to the Mickey Mouse Club through its theme song. It’s still raging, so I can’t give you a definitive answer. We do know that revolutionary ideas were planted in the minds of millions of children. I tend to believe that Disney had some inkling; he used a lot ink in his drawings. Also, he had a trained ear, so he must have known about the power of song.

 

But before we can get to the explication, which is not even completely written yet, we must note the name of the TV program. Mickey seems like a harmless name, but don’t be deceived. It refers to “a drink laced with a drug” (WTF encyclopedia) that makes a person susceptible to suggestion and manipulation. Mouse also signifies something. Club carries at least two meanings: the benign meaning of an organization of people, and the sinister meaning of a big stick to whack people with.

 

To be fair, and according to my mirror, I am the fairest in the land, I am here only to point out the significance of the song. Personally, I believe that a majority of the ideas propagated by the theme song of the Mickey Mouse Club brought beneficial changes to our society, only a few were negative. But please don’t tell the other cultural anthropologists I said that; we’re supposed to remain objective.

 

Please come back tomorrow for the explication.

 

Photos courtesy of WTF encyclopedia. 

Important: You may be entitled to money

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IMPORTANT NOTICE

This notice is to advise you that you have been identified as a potential plaintiff in a class action suit.

1.If you or any member of your family, literate or illiterate, are in any way, shape, or form offended, perplexed, flummoxed, miffed, piqued, ticked off, galled, mauled, stalled, appalled, or put out, in, on, through and/or by any letter, word, phrase, clause, dangling modifier, use of punctuation or lack thereof; or, if after experiencing any of the heretofore said offenses to any of your real or imaginary sensibilities, which, in my humble opinion, should really be dealt with in therapy, counseling, neurofeedback, breathwork, mindfulness, mindlessless, psychoanalysis, and all other things psycho; and, if you have experienced any type of hypochondria, including, but not limited to, dizziness, headaches, even more cellulite than you already have, nausea, nervousness, prolonged eructation, syncopated flatulence, memory loss, or the inability to lose memories of posts you have read, scanned, skimmed, explicated, or deleted from your inbox without reading; then, you may be entitled to join a class action suit against yearstruck.com.

 

 

2. Should a Superior Court, or a lesser Inferior Court,  find any merit in this claim, all plaintiffs, heretoafter referred to as tiffs, since some may be plain and others may be fancy, will, should, can, might, ought to, must, and could receive a complete and total refund of all monies spent on therapy and/or merchandise from the heretobefore not named person or persons responsible for trying to sell affixation kits, exercise DVDs, and re-discovered miracle cures, which may or may not exist outside of the imagination of not-said and still-not-named person or persons.

 

 

3. This notice is time sensitive because time is of the essence, it flies, it waits for no man, woman, or child under the age of three, who is at least 26 inches tall and must be accompanied by a parent at all times; otherwise, the management cannot be held responsible or reprehensible for what happens to unattended baggage; therefore, potential tiffs, plain or otherwise, must respond to this notice by no later than, but no earlier than noon (GMT) on any Monday, or a reasonable facsimile, designated as April 9 in the year 2012, or any other year whose digits match those numbers exactly.

 

 

4.  All claims must be accompanied by receipts, copies of promises, billing statements, and cash or a check in the amount of, but not limited to, $5.00 (U.S.) for handling fees. Once this claim is won, all handling fees will be returned, drawn from the large amount of money that the now-said defendant yearstricken will receive from one Chang Zhang who recently informed the again-said yearstricken, in an e-mail obtained in a manner that may or may not be admissible in court: An arab made a fixed deposit of $25,500.000.00 in my bank branch where i am adirector and he died with his entire family in the war leaving behind no next of kin.If you choose to stand as my deceased client’s next of kin and if interested, mail me at the address below:changzhang23(at)yahoo(dot)com.hk
Yours Truly,
Chang Zhang.

 

 

5. Based on all, some, or none of this evidence, which may or may not be true, but you never know, you may be entitled to a portion, or a part of the soon-to-be deposited money, including any and all of the zeroes; but only if act now because this offer won’t last long.

When chocolate disturbs

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I like chocolate dark, three taste buds shy of bitter. One small bite and I start getting messages from my brain saying, “Thank you,” and “More, please.” As food, it delights my tongue, and as medicine, it soothes my brain.

 

I have liked chocolate since I was a small child and discovered that the Easter bunny laid small chocolate eggs in my Easter basket. I later learned that rabbits do not lay eggs; they do, however, extrude something that is eerily similar to little chocolate pellets. I lived with that disturbing juxtaposition of ideas for years, but eventually got over it and continued trying to consume my allotted 11.64 pounds of chocolate each year. That’s how much each American averages. The Swiss eat almost twice that. Clearly, I was born in the wrong country.

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wheatfields/2310156154/

 

As an adult I have lived a relatively undisturbed life as far as chocolate goes. However, these last few years, an uncomfortable truth has been knocking on the door of my brain. It has pamphlets, which is always a bad sign. Opening the door means I must listen to a prepared speech, sign a petition, and probably donate some money. Maybe even the money I would use to buy chocolate.

 

For me, the best chocolate has at least 70% cocoa. That’s the ingredient that has so many health benefits, including helping to protect my heart. Cocoa makes my brain happy; and like so many gifts, it grows on trees.

 

The cocoa plant is delicate, especially when it is young. It requires attention, care, and nurture to develop properly. If a plant is tended carefully, it can start bearing fruit when it is four or five years old and produce for several decades.

 

Cocoa plants sound a lot like children, don’t they? Children need care and nurture to grow properly, too. And that’s the problem. Many cocoa farms employ children, and some farmers enslave children, making them work 12 hours a day without pay or much to eat.  At night, the children are locked up. If they try to run away, they are beaten.

 

I don’t want to eat chocolate that has someone’s childhood as its main ingredient. No amount of sweetener can make that kind of bitterness palatable. And if I know that the price on my candy bar is low because some children are forced to pay the real price by spending their childhood enslaved on farms, no amount of inexpensive chocolate is going to make me happy. My tongue doesn’t mind at all; it likes chocolate no matter what, unlike my brain, which has nothing better to do than gossip with my heart.  Once my heart gets involved, the two of them always insist that I do something.

 

 

Refusing to buy chocolate might make me feel good, but that’s about all it will do. It won’t help the thousands of smallholder farmers in West Africa, Indonesia, Brazil, and Ecuador who grow cocoa. They deserve a living wage; however, they receive only a pittance of what I pay for chocolate. Some of these farmers resort to forced labor to make growing cocoa worth their while. If I’m going to enjoy eating chocolate, I can’t ignore these facts.

 

Ignorance is bliss until it isn’t. Now I have to pay attention, read labels, and check up on the companies I buy from. I have to sign petitions. And I have to pay more money for chocolate that doesn’t have “essence of childhood” as an ingredient. But I don’t mind because then I can start listening again when my brain says, “More, please.” And it will make my heart happy again in more ways than one.

 

To see the places I have been that knocked the bliss out of my ignorance, go here, here, here, and here. To see the places my heart and brain conspired to send me, go here, here, or here to see what people are doing about it.

 

 

(Chocolate kisses go to Wikipedia and <http://www.flickr.com/photos/wheatfields/2310156154/ > for the pictures.)

How to be a medical expert

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Some of my imaginary friends have been asking me if I have had medical training. My incisive advice for the doldrums, warts, and CPS (coach potato syndrome) astounds them. They shake their heads in disbelief when I casually mention that I have self-diagnosed any number of serious medical conditions (coronary toenail disease, flatulence of the brain, and astigmatic kidney syndrome) and spontaneously healed without the aid of so-called medically trained personnel.

 

 

Now I know exactly what you are thinking: How can such a simple person gain that degree of knowledge and ability? First, I would appreciate it if you would just go ahead and ask me out loud. If we’re going to have any kind of healthy relationship, you can’t expect me to keep reading your mind. My therapist said that’s one of the problems we need to work on.

 

Second, I pride myself on being a simple person (my mother, may she rest in peace, recognized my lack of pretentious thinking early in my life and often called me simple-minded). So you can understand why I believe anyone can attain my level of medical knowledge and insight.

 

Third, to reach my level of expertise, you must have Internet access, an inordinate amount of time and imagination, as well as an ability to ignore information that fails to pass the test of aligning with what you already know to be true. This is what we call “fact-checking.”

 

Fourth, you must have restraint. Most people do not know how to use search engines correctly.  To illustrate, let’s say you type in “health benefits of chocolate.” A list of articles appears, and the majority of the titles declare that chocolate is healthy. Some will mention that it is good for your heart. Others will link it to weight loss. Yes, weight loss. Really. If you don’t believe me, look it up. But let me say this, your need to look it up says a lot about our relationship, doesn’t it?

 

Fourth and three-quarters, we haven’t finished with restraint. Most people lack it. They click on the articles about chocolate and then read them. Don’t do it my friend. Accept what the headline or title says. Nine out of ten articles are what I like to call “motorboat articles.” They rev up the article by stating that chocolate is good for you and then go but, but, but, but, but all the way home. Trust me, all those facts will only confuse you.

 

Fifth, as is my wont, I am developing a revolutionary new medical degree for those who have the necessary qualifications (see the third point). I call it the Medical Advanced Degree (MAD).

 

Sixth, it won’t cost you a thing. I, on the other hand, will spend a lot of time and money on development, advertisements, and shipping. But that won’t matter to you, will it? I am still grieving over your lack of interest in that other scheme. But don’t worry about me and my little bank account. We’ll manage somehow.

 

Seventh, I know exactly what you are thinking right now, and I wish you would stop it. Reading your mind and listening to my imaginary friends all day is driving me mad.

 

Eighth, I recently rediscovered the secret formula of H.H.H., the greatest discovery of the age, or what I call “The Greatest Re-discovery of the Age.”  Once I find time in my busy schedule, I plan to make it available on this website. Not that you would buy it because no matter how hard I try, it’s just never good enough for you, is it? But that’s okay because I am totally over it. Really. You may, however, be interested to know that my advertising agency (see picture above) can be found here.

The treatment

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I know why you’re here today.

 

As your circle of blog friends has increased, so has your girth. The more time you give to writing, reading, and commenting on blogs, the less time you have for so-called living. It seems primitive somehow the way those other people use vocal cords to communicate. You would rather “not-so-instant message” to static little faces or pictures of cats than to people with arms and legs, who sometimes burp.

 

You need help.

 

First, I recommend chocolate. Nine out of ten internet-trained health professionals do. In a rigorous study of online headlines and article titles, I have proof that chocolate is good for you. Because my rigor knows no bounds, and I am dedicated to providing you with reliable and accurate information, I am willing to publish a partial list of specific data sources to assure you that sound scientific procedures were followed.

 

      • Chocolate can do good things for your heart, skin and brain
      • A Dark Chocolate a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
      • Once Again Chocolate Found To Be Good For You
      • 9 Health Benefits of Chocolate
      • 10 Health Benefits of Chocolate
      • 11 Reasons Chocolate Is Good for Your Health
      • Heart-Health Benefits of Chocolate Unveiled
      • Chocolate’s Startling Health Benefits
      • Chocolate as Health Food

If you would like to verify my work, copy and paste one of the headlines into a search engine. If you are also the rigorous type and prefer to do a double-blind study, just close your eyes while performing the copy and paste procedure.

 

Okay, you say. Chocolate for what ails you. That is old news.

 

 

You’re right. But I believe that people also need exercise. And after hours of thought, I came up with the revolutionary new idea called Exercise with Chocolate.

 

For years people have been exercising their jaws with chocolate and using the rest of their bodies merely as repositories for the non-chocolate components of chocolate. So I put one and three together and asked myself: Why not use the rest of the body to consume chocolate?

 

I originally developed these exercises for the garden-variety couch potato. It requires a couch, a remote control, and up to a half cup of chocolate chips. I will share a few of them with you here on this blog for free. The complete set of exercises, including the advanced levels that include how to use melted chocolate  will be available for download as soon as I secure funding.

The Shrug

Place a chocolate chip on each shoulder. Slowly raise your left shoulder, turn your head, and try to eat the chocolate chip. Repeat on the right side. Do this as many times as you want. You should feel a stretch in your neck.

The Gate

Place a chocolate chip on top of each hand. Lean slightly forward and extend your arms out to the side. Now bend one arm, bringing it toward your mouth, but keeping it parallel to the couch. Eat the chocolate chip, and do the same with the other arm. Once you become adept at this, you can increase the number of chocolate chips on each hand. Imagine your arms are little gates that open and close into rooms of chocolate. Push into the stretch.

The Couch Lunge

This is one of the more difficult moves, but it also gives your back a nice stretch. Sit upright. Place a chocolate chip on each knee. As you lift your left leg up, bend forward to reach the chocolate. Repeat on the other side. If you find it too difficult, place a pillow on your knees, put the chocolate chips on that, and just fall forward.

 

As with all exercise routines, you have to remember not to strain yourself. At some point, you will run out of chocolate chips. When that happens, you can try these exercises:

Congratulatory neck turns

Place a pillow on each side of your spot on the couch. Close your eyes and hide the remote under one of the pillows. Open your eyes. Slowly look right and left, 5 times. Find the remote. Do imaginary high-fives 5 times with each hand.

Perpendicular arm lifts

Carefully position your body in the middle of the couch. If you are unaccustomed to moving, just inch your way toward the middle. Avoid strain of any kind. If there is a large indentation in the couch where you normally sit, place a pillow there, and no one will notice. Sit upright and place the remote on your knees. Reach forward with your right hand and grab the remote. Lift it straight up, over your head. Now lower it perpendicular to your knee and parallel to the back of the couch. Place the remote on the couch or end table (depending on the size of the couch). Switch hands and repeat. If this tires you, trying switching channels.

Ottoman leg lifts

Place the ottoman, coffee table, or other sturdy piece of furniture directly in front on you and at least six inches from the couch. Raise one leg, place it on the ottoman, then the other. Do sets of one, three times. Stop and rehydrate.

 

(CAUTION: Check with your doctor before beginning rigorous exercise routines!)

 

On the soon-to-be-released DVDs, you will see how you can adapt these exercises using a laptop or a large computer and mouse. You’ll be amazed at what happens to your body if you incorporate these exercises into your daily sitting.

The diagnosis

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When you look in the mirror, do you look more circular than before? Have your hips begun to explore the horizon, one heading east and the other west? Do all of your new best friends have names like imrtru and lovesickcarrots? Do you understand what imrtru stands for? Have you started eating all of your meals with your imaginary friends in front of a computer screen? Have you experienced dropped eye syndrome: you find it difficult to raise your eyes from the screen to focus on live human beings? Do you sometimes discover that your spouse is gone and you have no idea where because you weren’t listening to a word he or she said because you were commenting on someone’s blog? Do you know the names of all your blog friends’ pets, but regularly forget the names of your spouse and children? Are you increasingly upset with people because they breathe and it breaks your concentration while you are reading online? If they chew food near you when you are trying to read, do you feel the urge to throw things at them?

 

If you answered yes to these questions, you need help. Probably more than I can give you. You have the classic symptoms of sittentuberlocus. (See below for an explanation of this word.) In layman’s terms, you are a couch potato. However, your case is more serious; your sickness is coupled with bloggitis: a serious inflammation of the brain. People with this disease often begin to grow large potato-like lumps on their bodies, called fat. Their vocal cords atrophy due to lack of use. Their hearing becomes increasingly sensitive and they startle at the sound of human voices. Bouts of chortling and sniggering are common, triggered by words and images on their computer screens. If the disease is left unattended, these people are usually left unattended because their caretakers can no longer communicate with them. The final prognosis is brain freeze, known as “death by blogging.”

 

What can be done? Frankly, not much.

 

However, I have developed a revolutionary new treatment that I am offering you free of charge! It is so new and revolutionary that I haven’t even fully developed it. So, you will need to come back tomorrow to find out more. But I can promise you this: my treatment will in no way cure you, change your life, help you make friends, succeed in business, or get published. In fact, I am so confident of that claim that I am offering a money-back guarantee!

 

See you tomorrow.

 

(*See above for the word: Few people have taken the time to research the etymology of this word. Sitten is Low German for “sit,” tuber is Latin for “hump or swelling,” and locus has two possible sources. Some say it comes from the Latin and means “location.” However, others, like myself, who have spent more than 30 minutes researching the word, believe it comes from the Spanish word loco, which is a nice way to say “crazy.” So it could either be translated as “the place a potato sits” or “crazy sitting potato.” Please note that although we call people with this disease “couch potatoes,” not all of them are found on couches. Some sit in recliners that rock.)

 

Photo found here.

April’s fool

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I am April’s fool.

 

In April yellow comes to town in trumpets. Daffodils wake up the dead; forsythias resurrect. Magnolias tell you everything they know. You have to pay attention; they don’t speak very long. Apple trees declare the truth in white or pink to those who stop to listen, while cherry trees chatter pink to bees.

 

 

 

 

Earth swims round the sun, tilts her face to breathe. Each stroke draws her deeper into the sun-warmed waters.

 

 

The bitter winds of winter leave with just a sigh. Young winds come to play. They toss your hat or tug your coat like schoolboys out from school. They run through muddy fields all day, picking up the smell of sun and stones and flowers. When you open up your door, they forget to wipe their feet and track the smell of new-plowed earth throughout the house.

 

Ploughed Field

 

The sun calls “Ally, ally, in come free” and plants come out of hiding.

 

 

Trees wake up from winter with a thousand dreams of green, each one held in a tiny fist. Dreams come true in April.

 

 

Real estate in trees grows scarce. Birds move in to build.

 

Nest ,June 5

 

 

April’s first day honors pranksters, hoaxsters, and tricksters. We crown the jester king. At the coronation, we pass the salt as sugar, disguise the truth as lies, and hold a mirror to our face until we see the child inside.

 

 

April makes more scents than other month, and when I see her face, I cannot hide my smile.

 

 

I am April’s fool.

 

 

 

 

 

(Click the word to find the givers of the daffodil, magnolia, plowed field, and nest of eggs.)