The treatment

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I know why you’re here today.

 

As your circle of blog friends has increased, so has your girth. The more time you give to writing, reading, and commenting on blogs, the less time you have for so-called living. It seems primitive somehow the way those other people use vocal cords to communicate. You would rather “not-so-instant message” to static little faces or pictures of cats than to people with arms and legs, who sometimes burp.

 

You need help.

 

First, I recommend chocolate. Nine out of ten internet-trained health professionals do. In a rigorous study of online headlines and article titles, I have proof that chocolate is good for you. Because my rigor knows no bounds, and I am dedicated to providing you with reliable and accurate information, I am willing to publish a partial list of specific data sources to assure you that sound scientific procedures were followed.

 

      • Chocolate can do good things for your heart, skin and brain
      • A Dark Chocolate a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
      • Once Again Chocolate Found To Be Good For You
      • 9 Health Benefits of Chocolate
      • 10 Health Benefits of Chocolate
      • 11 Reasons Chocolate Is Good for Your Health
      • Heart-Health Benefits of Chocolate Unveiled
      • Chocolate’s Startling Health Benefits
      • Chocolate as Health Food

If you would like to verify my work, copy and paste one of the headlines into a search engine. If you are also the rigorous type and prefer to do a double-blind study, just close your eyes while performing the copy and paste procedure.

 

Okay, you say. Chocolate for what ails you. That is old news.

 

 

You’re right. But I believe that people also need exercise. And after hours of thought, I came up with the revolutionary new idea called Exercise with Chocolate.

 

For years people have been exercising their jaws with chocolate and using the rest of their bodies merely as repositories for the non-chocolate components of chocolate. So I put one and three together and asked myself: Why not use the rest of the body to consume chocolate?

 

I originally developed these exercises for the garden-variety couch potato. It requires a couch, a remote control, and up to a half cup of chocolate chips. I will share a few of them with you here on this blog for free. The complete set of exercises, including the advanced levels that include how to use melted chocolate  will be available for download as soon as I secure funding.

The Shrug

Place a chocolate chip on each shoulder. Slowly raise your left shoulder, turn your head, and try to eat the chocolate chip. Repeat on the right side. Do this as many times as you want. You should feel a stretch in your neck.

The Gate

Place a chocolate chip on top of each hand. Lean slightly forward and extend your arms out to the side. Now bend one arm, bringing it toward your mouth, but keeping it parallel to the couch. Eat the chocolate chip, and do the same with the other arm. Once you become adept at this, you can increase the number of chocolate chips on each hand. Imagine your arms are little gates that open and close into rooms of chocolate. Push into the stretch.

The Couch Lunge

This is one of the more difficult moves, but it also gives your back a nice stretch. Sit upright. Place a chocolate chip on each knee. As you lift your left leg up, bend forward to reach the chocolate. Repeat on the other side. If you find it too difficult, place a pillow on your knees, put the chocolate chips on that, and just fall forward.

 

As with all exercise routines, you have to remember not to strain yourself. At some point, you will run out of chocolate chips. When that happens, you can try these exercises:

Congratulatory neck turns

Place a pillow on each side of your spot on the couch. Close your eyes and hide the remote under one of the pillows. Open your eyes. Slowly look right and left, 5 times. Find the remote. Do imaginary high-fives 5 times with each hand.

Perpendicular arm lifts

Carefully position your body in the middle of the couch. If you are unaccustomed to moving, just inch your way toward the middle. Avoid strain of any kind. If there is a large indentation in the couch where you normally sit, place a pillow there, and no one will notice. Sit upright and place the remote on your knees. Reach forward with your right hand and grab the remote. Lift it straight up, over your head. Now lower it perpendicular to your knee and parallel to the back of the couch. Place the remote on the couch or end table (depending on the size of the couch). Switch hands and repeat. If this tires you, trying switching channels.

Ottoman leg lifts

Place the ottoman, coffee table, or other sturdy piece of furniture directly in front on you and at least six inches from the couch. Raise one leg, place it on the ottoman, then the other. Do sets of one, three times. Stop and rehydrate.

 

(CAUTION: Check with your doctor before beginning rigorous exercise routines!)

 

On the soon-to-be-released DVDs, you will see how you can adapt these exercises using a laptop or a large computer and mouse. You’ll be amazed at what happens to your body if you incorporate these exercises into your daily sitting.

58 thoughts on “The treatment

  1. I can see you on QVC with this exercise programme. They will talk about you in the future (and not just gossip like they do now) they will say – ‘She changed the way we looked at chocolate – literally. Instead of holding it in our hands and peeling back the paper she trained us to mix it up and put the chocolate in unusual – and exerting – places. Her perspective shift changed everything…’

  2. This should go VIRAL–especially if you re-title it “12 Ways to Exercise with Chocolate”! (I notice the sites you’ve listed only go up to 11, so clearly there’s a NEED….)

  3. When I was the head of a human resources department for an insurance company, I always had a bowl of some sort of chocolate in my office. I was always amazed at the power it had. I would have a cranky manager come in to rant and rave, eat a chocolate and go out like a lamb. The same was true of employees. I suggested hooking up IVs at the cubicles but for some unknown reason, that was shot down. Probably because the CEO was a man.

  4. I’m thinking like Winsomebella on this one. Aside from all this exercise, which could easily wear a man down… I just wouldn’t want to think of all the comments I could write in the time it took me to reach my elbow with my tongue for that chocolate chip. As in past experiences with advice givers, it turns out that you too have little empathy for the poor fellow who has to do all the exercise. Good thing you didn’t ask us all to put on a dunce hat while exercising, or I would have put your blog on the ‘let’s wait till tomorrow list’. But still, I did have my expectations up all night…. and for this?!

    • Like so many exercise instructors, I do not do the exercises; I only dream them up. I recognize that it looks extreme at first glance, but move into it slowly. At least it won’t change your life or bring you fame and fortune. It does have that going for it.

    • Worrywarts, on my way to work I realized I had written CD instead of DVD, but I didn’t have time to correct it. Thank you for mentioning it because it reminded me. I need to find one of those buff young people to do the exercises while I film. I wouldn’t dare do the exercises on film because people always believe they will like whoever is doing the exercises.

  5. Julie Catherine

    Love this post, and the comments have been exercising my face and tummy muscles – who could ask for more? LOL! Awesome! 🙂

  6. You should have your own exercise TV show. Maybe you remember “Exercise with Gloria” from the early 1960’s? Or Debbie Drake Dancersize? You could call your show Choco-Size for the Blog-Stricken. 🙂

  7. I didn’t have any chocolate chips on hand so I used raisinets. The damned things rolled all over the place forcing me to break each rep and start over again. Many times. Eventually i ran through an entire bag of raisinets, being one of those people who truly immerses themselves in each endeavor …. So I opened another bag.

    Right now I’m lying on a sofa similar to the one illustrated. I’m nursing a large glass of Alka Seltzer and my stomach is so bloated I’ll need more exercises once it settles down a bit.

    Burrrrrrp ….

  8. For a double blind study, don’t you and I both have to close our eyes while cutting and pasting? Or do I just do it twice? Those exercises look entirely too strenuous. I better take a nap first.

  9. A workout routine that involves chocolate, couches and remotes? I am so there, Yearstricken! I love this so much. I need to post this on Facebook rightthissecond!

    Also, would you please sign me up for that double blind study? Thank you.

  10. Unfortunately I can’t eat chocolate. Do you have a cure for blogitis for the chocolate-challenged individual? I tried doing the exercises using grapes, raisins, figs and orange slices in alternating cycles but all I got was a few kinks in my neck and a lot of gas. I like blogging better than exercising anyway.

  11. All excellent exercises! My personal favourite is to leave all the chocolates in the cupboard in the kitchen. I walk from the living room into the kitchen each time I want a chocolate. If I switched to chocolate chips, and limited my self to one chip (instead of a mouth full) each time, I think I would actually lose weight.

    • Now that you mention that, another good idea would be to hide the chocolate chips around the house while wearing a blindfold (so you don’t know where you hid them). Then take the blindfold off and go find them. That way you’d be walking all through the house.

  12. Imagining a whole room full of people, a class of bloggers, all doing these exercises! Oh stop it stop it stop it — you’re killing me… so funny…

  13. FINALLY. An excercise routine I can fully embrace. Or would, if it didn’t require further physical activity, though I imagine hugging the routine while sneaking chocolate chips into my mouth when my arms are conveniently around the routine’s neck and near my face might alleviate the stress of the initial activity.

  14. I’m so glad you shared this with us – exercise is the one resolution I haven’t done at all yet, and these are just my skill level. One question – I like milk chocolate, is that an acceptable substitute for dark chocolate, which I don’t care for?

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