Windbreaking News: Uncle Sam’s secret recycling program


Helping you out since 2001.


Welcome to Windbreaking News, where I sniff out the news for you.


Reliable sources, who just happen to live in my head, informed me of a huge recycling effort that the U.S. government operates on behalf of its citizens. Of course, it’s a clandestine operation and doesn’t look like a recycling program because it’s more fun that way.


What the government doesn’t know, but I do (thank you, sources in my head!) is that if someone informs the American public, the recycling program will take off like never before.


In 2001, Uncle Sam set up an agency and sent its workers throughout the country to help Americans recycle. In order not to alarm anyone or alert the public to their true purpose, these uniformed helpers pretended to be angry, rude gropers at security checkpoints in airports. But underneath that façade are a host of recyclers tirelessly working on behalf of the government and us, the Mer’can people. We salute you, Uncle Sam!


Since most Americans do not understand how or when to recycle, our fearless leaders set up TSA (Taking Stuff Away) to help us. These trained professionals spend day and night going through your stuff, identifying items to recycle, which you, the great untrained, failed to properly dispose of. The shame!


Agents representing the U.S government (All Your Base Are Belong to US) remove unnecessary items from your suitcases, such as electronics, jewelry, and cloth. Few people realize that your so-called “money” is a cotton and linen blend that needs to be periodically recycled.


Does this grieve you? Are you outraged? Are you asking yourself or yourselves why your weren’t informed about this earlier so you could so something about it? Well, grieve no more and stop bothering yourself(ves) with so many questions. It’s not too late. You can help the government recycle more.


The next time you fly, put your broken electronics in your suitcase. Take that awful fake ring Aunt Ethel gave you and put it in one of those velvet jewelry bags. Be sure to place it on top so the agents don’t have to dig. It’s time to participate, people. Be creative; the sky’s the limit. We can be the world champion recyclers, crushing our contenders like so many empty soda cans.

 Recycle. It’s the American way.


Full disclosure: I support the TSA and have participated in their recycling program. A while back, agents were kind enough to recycle an iPad from my backpack at a checkpoint. Unfortunately I didn’t notice until I got on the plane so I never got to thank them. I salute you, TSA!


Warning: If the egregious use of exclamation marks (aka “bangs”) in this post causes heart palpations, nausea, or ringing in your ears, please stop reading immediately; call your psychiatrist or a friend, even if he or she is imaginary. If your imaginary friend likes the egregious use of bangs, go here.




Photo: DN-0088741, Chicago Daily News negatives collection, Chicago History Museum.

People I Have a Hard Time Trusting


Women with skinny hips. I find them neither funny nor fair. From behind, it may look like I’m carrying small squirrels in my hip pockets, but these are genuine Texan saddlebags. If you’re from Texas, you’re authorized to carry them with you wherever you go. It’s on your birth certificate. In fact, they are de rigueur, and define my figure, which is getting bigger. Whoa, Trigger. You need to get off that horse.

All right, folks, move away from the rhyme scene, nothing to see here.

Where was I? Oh yes, I have a hard time trusting women with skinny hips. While I love all things Japanese, including the people, I still haven’t quite gotten over my resentment at all those skinny-hipped women. For them, it’s probably genetic, so it’s more forgivable, but for the rest of you, there’s no excuse. You should know better.