TSA

Is it 2013 or, well, 1984?

Standard

L5 A_British_sailor_signalling_by_hand_held_flash_lamp_aboard_the_Dutch_Torpedo_Boat_Z_5_as_it_serves_with_the_British_Fleet._His_dutch_shipmate_is_looking_out_for_the_reply_through_a_pair_of_binoculars,_1941._A3983

R5 Bismarck-spotted

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not paranoid. Really. I’m just very wary, chary, leery, and highly caffeinated. I take after my Big Brother that way. He feels compelled to spy on me all of the time because you just never know about those older teachers who live in the Midwest and teach English to foreigners. Foreigners who come from foreign countries and are foreign. And since you never know about those Midwesterners or other Americans or other people in the world, based on super-secret, too-critical-for-anyone-to-be-told-so-don’t-ask national security reasons, highly trained cryptologists need to monitor e-mails, phone calls, and Internet usage of all users, including LOL cats. (There’s a special clause that covers cats.)

L6 U.S._Army_Command_Sgt._Maj._Scott_Schroeder,_left,_with_the_International_Security_Assistance_Force_Joint_Command,_looks_through_binoculars_during_an_Afghan_National_Army_field_artillery_call_for_fire_training_130529-A-XM609-153

R1 US_Navy_050718-N-7647G-011_Seaman_Ryan_Henderson_looks_through_the_Big_Eyes_binoculars_while_searching_for_surface_and_air_contacts_during_an_aft_look_out_watch_aboard_the_nuclear-powered_aircraft_carrier_USS_Nimitz_(CVN_68)

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, text messages also can and must be intercepted. So specially trained agents spend hours reading texts from potentially dangerous teenagers who write indecipherable messages like: wuzup…your L8!!!! NGL im bord…this moveez a wot! WUWH1

 

By now the NSA (National Snooping Agency) knows more about you and me than our own mothers or even than we do about ourselves. Remember that story you told about your boss? Oh, you forgot already, well, not to worry, it’s all been recorded and soon to be stored away in Bluffdale, Utah. I am not bluffing. Real name, real story.

L2 US_Navy_030316-N-3783H-709_U.S._Navy_Ensign_Katharine_Poole_watches_through_binoculars_for_any_surface_contacts_from_the_bridge_aboard_the_guided_missile_cruiser_USS_Shiloh_(CG_67)

R2 US_Navy_100305-N-9094S-132_Chief_Quartermaster_Clint_Tergeson_looks_through_binoculars_from_the_bridge_of_the_U.S._7th_Fleet_command_ship_USS_Blue_Ridge_(LCC_19)_as_Lt._j.g._Kyle_Fitzpatrick_oversees_the_plotting_of_the_ship's_

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile cryptological experts sift through all our data looking for snarky references to Big Brother’s clubs like the NSA and the TSA (Touch, Scan, Annoy). Then they flag you. And the you I’m referring to is me. The me that reported a theft by TSA agents in New Orleans who kindly recycled my iPad because they knew it was time for me to get a new one. Now when I fly, I get body-scanned. Often.

 

Earlier this month on my trip to Texas, I was scanned three times: once in Wisconsin and twice in Texas. According to the TSA agent in Houston, I moved. Actually I think it was because I asked why I was selected to be scanned again. The whole procedure is something out of Star Trek: Stand still and don’t say a word or we will radiate you! And yes, I realize I could opt for groping instead, but that too is something out of Star Trek: To boldly go where no man has gone before….except my husband and not in public.

R3 US_Navy_070518-N-4420S-115_Operations_Specialist_Seaman_Caitlyn_Hagedorn_looks_through_a_pair_of_binoculars_while_standing_lookout_watch_aboard_nuclear-powered_aircraft_carrier_USS_Nimitz_(CVN_68) L3 US_Navy_041013-N-4649C-002_Ens._Alexandria_Myers_scans_the_horizon_for_contacts_using_the_ship's_big_eyes_binoculars_as_USS_Blue_Ridge_(LCC_19)_prepares_to_get_underway_for_the_first_time_after_a_six-month_dry_dock_period

 

 

 

 

Afterward I complained to the agent, fully expecting to be taken away, have all my body cavities searched, and be put on a no-fly list. It didn’t happen, but you’ll have to excuse me for a moment while I speak to a NSA representative.

 

Hi! How are you? I didn’t mean a thing by my comments to the TSA officer. Really. And I love my new iPad. Please pass my thanks to the officers in New Orleans. By the way, could you do me a favor? Last month, around the 4th or 5th I deleted an email with Aunt Edith’s secret fowl sauce. My goose is now cooked, and I need something to cover it ASAP. It was the only existing copy of the recipe. Sadly Aunt Edith died last week, but of course you already knew that from the email that Uncle Willard sent me. Thanks a bunch, and remember I’m nothing if not patriotic.

 

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, once upon a long time ago, reasonable people drafted a reasonable document called the U.S. Constitution. Just to make things perfectly clear and reasonable, they included amendments. The Fourth Amendment mentions that U.S. citizens have certain rights:

 

…the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be searched.

 

Since the U.S. government can access all of my personal and professional information and everything I say or write electronically, what probable cause do its representatives have that warrant searching my person? Like the great majority of people, I present zero threat. I know it and the government knows it. In order to appear fair, TSA must consider all of us as potential terrorists: guilty until scanned.

 

Are you bugged by all of this? I am, and I bet you are, too. In fact, I know you are. All us of are bugged now, continually, and by our very own government.

 

This is a rant.

R4 US_Navy_040627-N-2972R-002_A_U.S._Marine_assigned_to_the_24th_Marine_Expeditionary_Unit_(24_MEU),_looks_through_binoculars L4 1280px-US_Navy_090710-N-2791J-139_Bruce_H._Lindsey,_commanding_officer_of_the_aircraft_carrier_USS_Carl_Vinson_(CVN_70),_uses_binoculars_on_the_navigation_bridge

 

 

 

 

1Translation: What’s up? You’re late. Not gonna lie, I’m bored. This movie is a waste of time. Wish you were here.

Want more wary, chary, scary, leery stuff? Read this New York Times opinion piece or  this story on AOL.

 

 

Windbreaking News: Uncle Sam’s secret recycling program

Standard
n088741

Helping you out since 2001.

 

Welcome to Windbreaking News, where I sniff out the news for you.

 

Reliable sources, who just happen to live in my head, informed me of a huge recycling effort that the U.S. government operates on behalf of its citizens. Of course, it’s a clandestine operation and doesn’t look like a recycling program because it’s more fun that way.

 

What the government doesn’t know, but I do (thank you, sources in my head!) is that if someone informs the American public, the recycling program will take off like never before.

 

In 2001, Uncle Sam set up an agency and sent its workers throughout the country to help Americans recycle. In order not to alarm anyone or alert the public to their true purpose, these uniformed helpers pretended to be angry, rude gropers at security checkpoints in airports. But underneath that façade are a host of recyclers tirelessly working on behalf of the government and us, the Mer’can people. We salute you, Uncle Sam!

 

Since most Americans do not understand how or when to recycle, our fearless leaders set up TSA (Taking Stuff Away) to help us. These trained professionals spend day and night going through your stuff, identifying items to recycle, which you, the great untrained, failed to properly dispose of. The shame!

 

Agents representing the U.S government (All Your Base Are Belong to US) remove unnecessary items from your suitcases, such as electronics, jewelry, and cloth. Few people realize that your so-called “money” is a cotton and linen blend that needs to be periodically recycled.

 

Does this grieve you? Are you outraged? Are you asking yourself or yourselves why your weren’t informed about this earlier so you could so something about it? Well, grieve no more and stop bothering yourself(ves) with so many questions. It’s not too late. You can help the government recycle more.

 

The next time you fly, put your broken electronics in your suitcase. Take that awful fake ring Aunt Ethel gave you and put it in one of those velvet jewelry bags. Be sure to place it on top so the agents don’t have to dig. It’s time to participate, people. Be creative; the sky’s the limit. We can be the world champion recyclers, crushing our contenders like so many empty soda cans.

 Recycle. It’s the American way.

 

Full disclosure: I support the TSA and have participated in their recycling program. A while back, agents were kind enough to recycle an iPad from my backpack at a checkpoint. Unfortunately I didn’t notice until I got on the plane so I never got to thank them. I salute you, TSA!

 

Warning: If the egregious use of exclamation marks (aka “bangs”) in this post causes heart palpations, nausea, or ringing in your ears, please stop reading immediately; call your psychiatrist or a friend, even if he or she is imaginary. If your imaginary friend likes the egregious use of bangs, go here.

 

 

 

Photo: DN-0088741, Chicago Daily News negatives collection, Chicago History Museum.