How to be a medical expert


Some of my imaginary friends have been asking me if I have had medical training. My incisive advice for the doldrums, warts, and CPS (coach potato syndrome) astounds them. They shake their heads in disbelief when I casually mention that I have self-diagnosed any number of serious medical conditions (coronary toenail disease, flatulence of the brain, and astigmatic kidney syndrome) and spontaneously healed without the aid of so-called medically trained personnel.



Now I know exactly what you are thinking: How can such a simple person gain that degree of knowledge and ability? First, I would appreciate it if you would just go ahead and ask me out loud. If we’re going to have any kind of healthy relationship, you can’t expect me to keep reading your mind. My therapist said that’s one of the problems we need to work on.


Second, I pride myself on being a simple person (my mother, may she rest in peace, recognized my lack of pretentious thinking early in my life and often called me simple-minded). So you can understand why I believe anyone can attain my level of medical knowledge and insight.


Third, to reach my level of expertise, you must have Internet access, an inordinate amount of time and imagination, as well as an ability to ignore information that fails to pass the test of aligning with what you already know to be true. This is what we call “fact-checking.”


Fourth, you must have restraint. Most people do not know how to use search engines correctly.  To illustrate, let’s say you type in “health benefits of chocolate.” A list of articles appears, and the majority of the titles declare that chocolate is healthy. Some will mention that it is good for your heart. Others will link it to weight loss. Yes, weight loss. Really. If you don’t believe me, look it up. But let me say this, your need to look it up says a lot about our relationship, doesn’t it?


Fourth and three-quarters, we haven’t finished with restraint. Most people lack it. They click on the articles about chocolate and then read them. Don’t do it my friend. Accept what the headline or title says. Nine out of ten articles are what I like to call “motorboat articles.” They rev up the article by stating that chocolate is good for you and then go but, but, but, but, but all the way home. Trust me, all those facts will only confuse you.


Fifth, as is my wont, I am developing a revolutionary new medical degree for those who have the necessary qualifications (see the third point). I call it the Medical Advanced Degree (MAD).


Sixth, it won’t cost you a thing. I, on the other hand, will spend a lot of time and money on development, advertisements, and shipping. But that won’t matter to you, will it? I am still grieving over your lack of interest in that other scheme. But don’t worry about me and my little bank account. We’ll manage somehow.


Seventh, I know exactly what you are thinking right now, and I wish you would stop it. Reading your mind and listening to my imaginary friends all day is driving me mad.


Eighth, I recently rediscovered the secret formula of H.H.H., the greatest discovery of the age, or what I call “The Greatest Re-discovery of the Age.”  Once I find time in my busy schedule, I plan to make it available on this website. Not that you would buy it because no matter how hard I try, it’s just never good enough for you, is it? But that’s okay because I am totally over it. Really. You may, however, be interested to know that my advertising agency (see picture above) can be found here.

The treatment


I know why you’re here today.


As your circle of blog friends has increased, so has your girth. The more time you give to writing, reading, and commenting on blogs, the less time you have for so-called living. It seems primitive somehow the way those other people use vocal cords to communicate. You would rather “not-so-instant message” to static little faces or pictures of cats than to people with arms and legs, who sometimes burp.


You need help.


First, I recommend chocolate. Nine out of ten internet-trained health professionals do. In a rigorous study of online headlines and article titles, I have proof that chocolate is good for you. Because my rigor knows no bounds, and I am dedicated to providing you with reliable and accurate information, I am willing to publish a partial list of specific data sources to assure you that sound scientific procedures were followed.


      • Chocolate can do good things for your heart, skin and brain
      • A Dark Chocolate a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
      • Once Again Chocolate Found To Be Good For You
      • 9 Health Benefits of Chocolate
      • 10 Health Benefits of Chocolate
      • 11 Reasons Chocolate Is Good for Your Health
      • Heart-Health Benefits of Chocolate Unveiled
      • Chocolate’s Startling Health Benefits
      • Chocolate as Health Food

If you would like to verify my work, copy and paste one of the headlines into a search engine. If you are also the rigorous type and prefer to do a double-blind study, just close your eyes while performing the copy and paste procedure.


Okay, you say. Chocolate for what ails you. That is old news.



You’re right. But I believe that people also need exercise. And after hours of thought, I came up with the revolutionary new idea called Exercise with Chocolate.


For years people have been exercising their jaws with chocolate and using the rest of their bodies merely as repositories for the non-chocolate components of chocolate. So I put one and three together and asked myself: Why not use the rest of the body to consume chocolate?


I originally developed these exercises for the garden-variety couch potato. It requires a couch, a remote control, and up to a half cup of chocolate chips. I will share a few of them with you here on this blog for free. The complete set of exercises, including the advanced levels that include how to use melted chocolate  will be available for download as soon as I secure funding.

The Shrug

Place a chocolate chip on each shoulder. Slowly raise your left shoulder, turn your head, and try to eat the chocolate chip. Repeat on the right side. Do this as many times as you want. You should feel a stretch in your neck.

The Gate

Place a chocolate chip on top of each hand. Lean slightly forward and extend your arms out to the side. Now bend one arm, bringing it toward your mouth, but keeping it parallel to the couch. Eat the chocolate chip, and do the same with the other arm. Once you become adept at this, you can increase the number of chocolate chips on each hand. Imagine your arms are little gates that open and close into rooms of chocolate. Push into the stretch.

The Couch Lunge

This is one of the more difficult moves, but it also gives your back a nice stretch. Sit upright. Place a chocolate chip on each knee. As you lift your left leg up, bend forward to reach the chocolate. Repeat on the other side. If you find it too difficult, place a pillow on your knees, put the chocolate chips on that, and just fall forward.


As with all exercise routines, you have to remember not to strain yourself. At some point, you will run out of chocolate chips. When that happens, you can try these exercises:

Congratulatory neck turns

Place a pillow on each side of your spot on the couch. Close your eyes and hide the remote under one of the pillows. Open your eyes. Slowly look right and left, 5 times. Find the remote. Do imaginary high-fives 5 times with each hand.

Perpendicular arm lifts

Carefully position your body in the middle of the couch. If you are unaccustomed to moving, just inch your way toward the middle. Avoid strain of any kind. If there is a large indentation in the couch where you normally sit, place a pillow there, and no one will notice. Sit upright and place the remote on your knees. Reach forward with your right hand and grab the remote. Lift it straight up, over your head. Now lower it perpendicular to your knee and parallel to the back of the couch. Place the remote on the couch or end table (depending on the size of the couch). Switch hands and repeat. If this tires you, trying switching channels.

Ottoman leg lifts

Place the ottoman, coffee table, or other sturdy piece of furniture directly in front on you and at least six inches from the couch. Raise one leg, place it on the ottoman, then the other. Do sets of one, three times. Stop and rehydrate.


(CAUTION: Check with your doctor before beginning rigorous exercise routines!)


On the soon-to-be-released DVDs, you will see how you can adapt these exercises using a laptop or a large computer and mouse. You’ll be amazed at what happens to your body if you incorporate these exercises into your daily sitting.