Some of my imaginary friends have been asking me if I have had medical training. My incisive advice for the doldrums, warts, and CPS (coach potato syndrome) astounds them. They shake their heads in disbelief when I casually mention that I have self-diagnosed any number of serious medical conditions (coronary toenail disease, flatulence of the brain, and astigmatic kidney syndrome) and spontaneously healed without the aid of so-called medically trained personnel.
Now I know exactly what you are thinking: How can such a simple person gain that degree of knowledge and ability? First, I would appreciate it if you would just go ahead and ask me out loud. If we’re going to have any kind of healthy relationship, you can’t expect me to keep reading your mind. My therapist said that’s one of the problems we need to work on.
Second, I pride myself on being a simple person (my mother, may she rest in peace, recognized my lack of pretentious thinking early in my life and often called me simple-minded). So you can understand why I believe anyone can attain my level of medical knowledge and insight.
Third, to reach my level of expertise, you must have Internet access, an inordinate amount of time and imagination, as well as an ability to ignore information that fails to pass the test of aligning with what you already know to be true. This is what we call “fact-checking.”
Fourth, you must have restraint. Most people do not know how to use search engines correctly. To illustrate, let’s say you type in “health benefits of chocolate.” A list of articles appears, and the majority of the titles declare that chocolate is healthy. Some will mention that it is good for your heart. Others will link it to weight loss. Yes, weight loss. Really. If you don’t believe me, look it up. But let me say this, your need to look it up says a lot about our relationship, doesn’t it?
Fourth and three-quarters, we haven’t finished with restraint. Most people lack it. They click on the articles about chocolate and then read them. Don’t do it my friend. Accept what the headline or title says. Nine out of ten articles are what I like to call “motorboat articles.” They rev up the article by stating that chocolate is good for you and then go but, but, but, but, but all the way home. Trust me, all those facts will only confuse you.
Fifth, as is my wont, I am developing a revolutionary new medical degree for those who have the necessary qualifications (see the third point). I call it the Medical Advanced Degree (MAD).
Sixth, it won’t cost you a thing. I, on the other hand, will spend a lot of time and money on development, advertisements, and shipping. But that won’t matter to you, will it? I am still grieving over your lack of interest in that other scheme. But don’t worry about me and my little bank account. We’ll manage somehow.
Seventh, I know exactly what you are thinking right now, and I wish you would stop it. Reading your mind and listening to my imaginary friends all day is driving me mad.
Eighth, I recently rediscovered the secret formula of H.H.H., the greatest discovery of the age, or what I call “The Greatest Re-discovery of the Age.” Once I find time in my busy schedule, I plan to make it available on this website. Not that you would buy it because no matter how hard I try, it’s just never good enough for you, is it? But that’s okay because I am totally over it. Really. You may, however, be interested to know that my advertising agency (see picture above) can be found here.