humor

Frequently Not Asked Questions: Two

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Why is “Poetry” listed as one of the categories on your blog? Aren’t you a failed poet?

 

 

 

Thank you for asking.

 

 

First, please note that you should be asking only one question at a time. Did you realize you asked two?

 

 

Second, do you have a problem with me listing “Poetry” as a category?

 

 

Third, I really wish you would capitalize the word “failed.” I just so happen to write in the literary style of poetry known as Failed. Surely you have heard of the Baroque1 or Metaphysical poets, Imagist poets, Confessional poets, and Martian poets? I am part of that great tradition and subscribe to the tenets of Failed Poetry, so technically I should be referred to as a Failed poet.

 

Martian poet, Christopher Reid, looking good, but a bit spaced out. (On Wikipedia.)

 

Like all great poets, Failed poets have one long foot and one short foot. (By the way, the easiest way to determine if someone has an ability to write poetry is to ask to see their feet. Don’t be fooled if they are so-called “Long fellows.”) Those of us who are part of this movement favor mixed metaphors and imprecise language, with an occasional forced rhyme in tribute to early rhymers like Shakespeare and John Donne. To us, poetry is music and every poem a song to sing, so when we’re feeling metrical we write singsong verse. Otherwise, we just write down whatever we are thinking but without the punctuation. We love words and like how they look on paper or computer screens. Many of us like to spell our words correctly, but it’s not required.

 

John Done is now done with poetry. We miss him. Thank you Wikipedia for this portrait.

Fourth, I put that category on my blog because I believe in the U.S. Constitution. For a little over a year, I submitted my poetry to various journals. Although one online and one print journal accepted my work out of pity, the majority wrote back to express regret and sorrow. Apparently editors all over the nation were filled with sadness and grief after reading my poems. I felt guilty singling them out and making them bear the full burden of reading my poetry, so I chose to include some on this blog and make that pain available to anyone and everyone. It is the American way.

 

 

Fifth, please keep in mind that on this blog I use the word “Poetry” in its broadest sense:  a bunch of words.

 

 

 

 

1 The Baroque movement never died. Most poets since the 1600s consider themselves Baroque; however, they now use the modern spelling “broke.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost the 44th parallel

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Like most of you, I live on earth.

 

My house is almost equidistant from the Equator and the North Pole. Living in between those two extremes, you would think we would have perfect weather. We don’t.

 

 

Longitudinally, I am also almost equidistant between a French farm field in the southern département of Aveyron and a wave in the North Pacific Ocean not too far south of the Aleutian Islands.

 

Ninety degrees of separation eastward

 

 

Ninety degrees of separation westward

 

One of the advantages of living near the 44th parallel in the northern hemisphere is that if I want to go around the world, I can do it in less than 17,000 miles. People who live on the equator have to travel 25,000 miles, almost 8,000 more miles than me. Once you factor in the cost of gas, it’s clear that in spite of the cold weather, I can save a lot of money on around-the-world travel.

 

I’m not crazy about the way the earth is tilted. If it were perfectly straight, I would be walking around at a 45° angle, which is harder than you think. The tilt makes it even harder. I think that’s why I always feel a few degrees off. Thankfully, I can stand partway upright and keep my head up; I’ve never understood how those people below the equator can walk around all day with their heads pointed down.

 

I’ve gotten used to the way the earth spins around the sun and have grown fond of having regular days and night. I’m not crazy about how it revolves widdershins (the old word for “counterclockwise”) around the sun because that’s the direction that unloosens things. The only way to get it to spin sunwise (the old word for “clockwise,” not to be confused with Early Childspeak for “sunrise”) is to turn the world upside down and pretend that the bottom of outer space is the top. I never do that. I already get dizzy if I think too much about the earth rotating as it revolves around the sun and the solar system orbiting around the Milky Way.

 

The part that unnerves me the most about living on earth is the hanging-in-outer space part. I like to be inside when I talk about it, near something I can hold onto, just in case. Don’t laugh. The website New Scientist has an article, “Solar system’s planets could spin out of control,” which is just the kind of thing I should never read. You probably shouldn’t either, but if you insist, go here. Keep in mind you cannot read the entire article unless you register, but there’s enough to scare you. Also if you are looking for another scientific-minded individual to hold onto when the world spins out of control, New Scientist has its own dating service called New Scientist Connect where you can “Search thousands of discerning, intelligent people like you.” I suggest you hurry up.

 

Other than the dizziness and occasional terror about spinning out of control and hurtling through outer space with no place to go but out, I enjoy living on earth. I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

 

Happy Earth Day from just above the 44th parallel.

A close-up of the 44th parallel in Wisconsin.

 

Special thanks to Wikipedia and Google for the pictures.

Twelve summer fashion trends in 2012

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           Bare feet are fine for the winter, but this is the summer of the sole. Tiptoeing required in all seasons.   

 

1.  This summer look for shoes. On feet. Soles are trending now. All the glamorous women will be tiptoeing around this summer to protect their soles, so look for lots of bunions in pink and red. You may see a lot of heels and toes hanging out. Don’t be alarmed. That’s just fashion.

 

 

2. Cloth is “in” this year. You’ll see it on bodies everywhere. It is at a premium this summer, so expect to see less and less of it on more and more people who have less and less to hide on more and more of themselves.

 

3. Expect the unexpected but don’t act surprised. That is so gauche. Look for marks and designs on fabric and then don’t look for them because some cloth is just one color. Patterns will be repetitive this summer.

 

4. Colors will be everywhere. This summer’s popular colors all come in the visible spectrum. Don’t expect colors in the infrared spectrum. I haven’t seen a single designer using them.

 

5. Zippers’ popularity will be up and down this summer. Other pieces of cloth will have loosely sewn on snaps and clasps. If you’re looking for buttons, check the ground: this year they will also be loosely sewn on.

 

6. Women will be wearing hair on their heads during the warmer months. Other than eyebrows, don’t expect to see much facial hair or nose hair. If you do, try not to mention it.

 

7. Another trend is shiny pieces of metal. Plenty of women will encircle body parts with them; other will push them through holes in their bodies. You’ll see lots of  metal, and most of it is easy to spot – check fingers, ears, necks, and arms. Don’t look for it on other parts of the body. That is so illegal.

 

8. Cracks are all the rage this summer. Not to be outdone by men’s posterior “he-cracks,” women will sport “she-cracks” up front. They are hard not to spot.

 

9. Bags remain a useful accessory, especially if personal identification cards, a phone, nail files, headache medicine, matches, fingernail polish, a wallet, coupons, Kleenex, gum, used ticket stubs, paper clips, personal care products, unmailed letters, and melted chocolate candies are important to you.  If you’re not sure what to do with a bag, try draping it on your shoulder or grasping it with your fingers. All the bouncy women who can’t leave home without their silicone are bagging it up this year and carrying it in their chest cavities. Expect to see more of these types of bags this summer.

 

 

10. French dressing is especially popular this summer. Another name for it is haute (French for “hoity”) couture (French for “toity”). Women who love this kind of French dressing will be wearing le short, le tee-shirt, and le jean with le bracelet. Many are sporting fake faux pas (pronounced “fox paws”) on chains around their necks as a symbol of luck. Rabbit feet are so yesterday that only rabbits are wearing them this season.

 

11. For a cheeky look, women are wearing thongs. If you’re a risk-taker, you might try wearing a matching one as an eye-patch; they’re just about the right size.

 

12. Finally, don’t be surprised if everywhere you look, you see holes in fabric. Designers are showcasing two leg-holes this summer, and many are using the plural to describe them, much to the delight of the sophisticated but slightly irritated woman who teaches her ELL students that in English we say pants, capris and shorts, not a pant or a capri or a short. Look for more holes in the cloth women wear on their torsos. They open up a whole new range of movement for the busy woman who likes using her arms. Their ubiquity and they way they are showing up everywhere has caused at least one fashion maven to declare that armholes are the new black.

If you would like to know more about going barefoot in the snow, go here. If you think the question about zippers is open and shut, go here. If you like French dressing, go here. 

Who am I?

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I don’t know who I am these days. I have been married to the same man for over 30 years, and he thinks he has been married to the same woman for the exact amount of time. (You’re not going to believe this crazy coincidence: we both got married on the same day!  Just one more sign we were meant for each other.)

 

I have always thought of myself as a small woman with a talent for getting older. Although I have not always liked who I am, I haven’t doubted who I am. Until now.

 

We don’t have cable TV, partly because we don’t have that much time or interest, and partly because we are more interested in saving our money. But sometimes when I exercise on the treadmill, I go to hulu.com to watch a TV show or documentary on my laptop.

 

Hulu features hundreds of old programs and many episodes of current shows. I have walked through miles of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and the Alfred Hitchcock Hour, along with a lot of other shows. Sometimes I watch the ads; other times I take my headphones off.

 

Recently, while watching a show, a Weight Watchers ad came on. Jennifer Hudson smiled at me and belted out, “You are me and I am you.” I looked down at my plaid pajama bottoms and green sweatshirt, then looked back up at Jennifer in her form-fitting black top and tight pants, compared my clunky white running shoes with her open-toed stilettos, and said, “Okay.” I continued belting out that song, while Jennifer slogged forward on the treadmill, and then I disappeared. When the show came back on, we switched places again. It was weird, but then I’m used to weird.

 

                    

 

The other day, instead of Jennifer (who is me and I am her), a young blonde woman smiled at me and said, “I am you.” But before I had a chance to be her, a young brown-haired woman smiled at me and announced, “You are me.” That was beyond weird.

 

Needless to say it left me shaken, but not stirred. I feel like Jackie Chan in the movie Who am I? I sure hope I’m not him. I’m not up for all those action movie stunts.

 

I have to be one of four women, but I have no idea which one I am or which one is sleeping with my husband. Should I ask him? Should I contact Weight Watchers and ask them to send me home? Should I change my gravatar picture?

 

I had no idea that on Weight Watchers you lost not only weight but also your sense of identity. Will I have to join in order to find myself? I’m starting to miss me. Should I be alarmed that one of the anagrams for Weight Watchers is “Wager the Switch”? Or should I focus on the other anagram, “Great with Chews.”

 

I need help people.

 

 

 

(Note to Weight Watchers: I borrowed these pictures from your ad, and I’ll give them back in exchange for you know who.)

If you took a bath today, thank a pig

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Seriously. If you took a bath today (and we all hope you did), thank a pig. Actually, you should thank a pig farmer. Sort of.

 

Okay, not a pig, and not a pig farmer. You should thank the state of Wisconsin and its city Sheboygan, and the foundry it once had that was bought by John Michael Kohler and his partner Charles Silberzahn in 1873, who founded a company called Kohler & Silberzahn, which made farm equipment, including big tubs used as watering troughs and hog scalders.

 

 

I guess we also have to be thankful for the fire that burned down that original foundry seven years later because Kohler added an enameling shop when he rebuilt. Now he could cover his cast-iron troughs with a protective coat of enamel.

 

Three years later in 1883, Kohler came up with the idea of selling an enameled hog scalder as a bathtub. In exchange, he supposedly received a cow and 14 chickens. I’m curious about what gave Kohler the idea. He must have been on farms and seen hogs immersed in those tubs. Did one of the hogs remind him of someone he knew? History would be a lot more interesting if we had the answers to questions like that.

 

 

From that point on, Kohler focused on enameled bathroom fixtures. In 1911 the company introduced a built-in, one-piece tub, and the rest of us have been awash in their products since then.

 

I had no intention of writing about bathtubs today. Although I manage to get in hot water on a regular basis, I hardly ever take a bath. I prefer showers.

 

I started out today planning to write something about the word “bubbler,” Wisconsin talk for drinking fountain. It seems that Kohler is responsible for that, too; he put the capital “B” in the word when he trademarked it in 1889. Now it’s used generically, mostly in Wisconsin but also in Rhode Island, eastern Connecticut, southeastern Massachusetts, and Australia. In my experience, I’ve never heard anyone pronounce it with the capital, but then I’ve never been to Sheboygan.

 

In spite of its usage in both the U.S. and Australia, neither the Oxford English Dictionary nor the Cambridge Dictionary Online has an entry for “bubbler.” Merriam Webster Online and the Random House Dictionary (dictionary.com) give one of its meanings as “a drinking fountain that spouts water.”

 

 

If you go to Kohler’s website, you’ll find at least 53 different bathtubs: rectangular, circular, key-hole shaped, kidney-shaped, free-standing, sunken, and jet-streamed. They still make the Bubbler, too. Americans love their tubs and drinking fountain; go to Facebook and you’ll find that bathtub and Bubbler have their own Facebook pages. I also discovered that Pig scalder is on Facebook. In one of instances that proves that history sometimes moves backwards, it mentions that in New Zealand some farmers use their old cast-iron bathtubs for hog scalding.

 

 

Posters courtesy of http://blog.kohler.com/2011/05/18/the-one-piece-bath-turns-100/

Frequently Not Asked Questions: One

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Frequently Not Asked Questions (FNAQ) is a new feature on this blog. This feature will appear infrequently, so I suggest that you frequently not expect it.

 

How did you get so old?

 

This is a great question. Thank you for asking.

 

First, let me say that it takes time. You cannot rush into it. I’ve discovered what I call the Seven Secrets to Growing Older. (It’s the title of my new book, soon to be launched on the Amazon.) I don’t want to give too much of it away, but I’ll let you in on the first secret: it’s called Monday. In the book, I explain how Monday and the six steps that follow are the key to getting older. I am confident that by practicing these steps over and over, anyone can grow older. In fact, I am so confident that my book comes with a lifetime guarantee!

 

Second, it helps if you start when you’re very young. I began at such a young age that I don’t have any recollection of when I started. Just as many writers can’t remember a time when they didn’t write, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t getting older. Please don’t think I’m bragging; I’m merely answering the question.

 

Third, you have to stay consistent. You can’t just stop and pick it up at a later date. Once you stop, you lose your chance to continue. This is probably the number one reason so many people fail to get old.

 

Fourth, you have to practice breathing. It’s related to the third point because it requires consistency. Some people find it tedious – in and out, in and out, all the livelong day – but I’ve found that once you do it enough, it becomes automatic. In fact, now I feel that I can’t live without it.

 

I credit time, an early start, consistency, and breathing with my ability to grow old. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my mother who not only encouraged me in my early efforts but also modeled the seven steps, soon to be revealed in my book. Of course, I don’t discount food and water any more than I discount my book.

 

(For more information about my book, stay here and read that first point again. For more information about the Amazon, go here.)

Last century’s pivotal event: The explication

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Before yesterday few people knew that the pivotal event of the last century was the airing of the Mickey Mouse Club in October 1955. Each week, millions of little Poppers (later known as Boomers) tuned in to watch the show and without even trying, memorized the catchy theme song.

The world has never been the same since. Most people of a certain age know most if not all of these words, but they have no idea what they really mean. That’s why I’m here, to reveal the true meaning.

Just for fun, let’s start at the beginning since it comes first. Feel free to sing the words as you read them.

Who’s the leader of the club

That’s made for you and me

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there

You’re as welcome as can be

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

 

Mickey Mouse!

 

Mickey Mouse!

First, note how it begins with the three words, “Who’s the leader.” Like the first three words of the Constitution, We the People, it is revolutionary and sets the tone for all that follows. The well-known bumper sticker “Question Authority” paraphrases those initial words and became the mantra of the 1960s.

The use of “club” in this lyrical question is used in the benign sense, and the following words “that’s made for you and me” led directly to the civil rights movement and the idea that everyone should be included in the “club,” which stands for U.S. society. Note the significance of “You’re as welcome as can be.” I hardly need to tell you that this is a paraphrase of Emma Lazarus’ poem “The New Colossus:”

 

“Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Next, think about the fact that Mickey’s name is spelled out. Is it any wonder that those hours spent spelling Mickey’s name led directly to spell-check on computers?  This point needs no further explanation.

Now let’s look at a portion of the song that had both a positive and negative influence.

Forever let us hold our banner

High! High! High! High!

The first line, Forever let us hold our banner, explains all of the banners and signs carried during the 1960s protesting war and discrimination. However, that four-fold repetition of the word “high” led directly to indiscriminate drug use in the 1960s and beyond. Was it intentional? It’s hard to say. However, if you recall, Disney was born on Tripp Avenue. You decide.

Come along and sing a song

And join the jamboree!

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

In this verse, we must look carefully at the word “jamboree,” which means “noisy revel.” This planted the idea for both rock concerts, most notably Woodstock, and in the same year,  the TV show, Hee Haw. 

 

 

Mickey Mouse club

We’ll have fun

We’ll be new faces

High! High! High! High!

In this stanza, we see the modern emphasis on having fun. All things and all events, including funerals, must have an element of fun if we want people to enjoy themselves. More importantly, the phrase We’ll be new faces led to a demand for  facelifts and fueled the $1.8 billion cosmetic surgery industry.

We’ll do things and

We’ll go places

All around the world

We’ll go marching

 

 

While this stanza is responsible for the invention of the computer and all other technological inventions of the last 50 years (We’ll do things) and the creation of our highly mobile society (We’ll go places), it undoubtedly influenced some of our policymakers to send our soldiers marching around the world. That’s the problem with taking too much of this song literally.

As you can see, there is much more to the Mickey Mouse Club theme song than most people realize. Many people are baffled by how cultures develop and history unfolds. I hope I have helped you in this.

Wikipedia helps everyday by sharing its photo album. Thank you, Wikipedia.

Last century’s pivotal event: The introduction

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Few people know the source of the radical change that convulsed the United States during the 1960s. Other than my imagination, in fact, I may be the only person who really knows. Since I am only a few hours of Internet searching away from becoming a full-fledged cultural anthropologist, I felt it I should share my findings with you.

 

Due to time constraints and my boss’ insistence that I show up for work, I will share this in two parts: the introduction and the explication.

 

THE INTRODUCTION

The pivotal event that led to the revolutionary change in U.S. society happened in October of 1955. Some things happened before that, of course, but if I go down that road, one thing will lead to another, and before you know it, we’ll be talking about the Greeks and Romans: it’s all connected. So, let’s just stick to October 1955 when the Mickey Mouse Club first aired.

 

The mastermind behind the show was named after a theme park: Disney. His parents called him Walt for short. For reasons that you’ll understand later, he was born on Tripp Avenue. He also had a childhood. He liked trains and, according the WTF encyclopedia (Wikipedia, the free), he liked to put his ear to the tracks to listen for trains coming. Apparently his sight and hearing weren’t very good, but in this way he developed what people in the arts call a “trained ear.” After dropping into high school, he dropped out. When enough time passed, he produced the Mickey Mouse Club.

 

A raging debate has been going on between me and my imagination about whether Disney knew what he was doing when he introduced America’s children to the Mickey Mouse Club through its theme song. It’s still raging, so I can’t give you a definitive answer. We do know that revolutionary ideas were planted in the minds of millions of children. I tend to believe that Disney had some inkling; he used a lot ink in his drawings. Also, he had a trained ear, so he must have known about the power of song.

 

But before we can get to the explication, which is not even completely written yet, we must note the name of the TV program. Mickey seems like a harmless name, but don’t be deceived. It refers to “a drink laced with a drug” (WTF encyclopedia) that makes a person susceptible to suggestion and manipulation. Mouse also signifies something. Club carries at least two meanings: the benign meaning of an organization of people, and the sinister meaning of a big stick to whack people with.

 

To be fair, and according to my mirror, I am the fairest in the land, I am here only to point out the significance of the song. Personally, I believe that a majority of the ideas propagated by the theme song of the Mickey Mouse Club brought beneficial changes to our society, only a few were negative. But please don’t tell the other cultural anthropologists I said that; we’re supposed to remain objective.

 

Please come back tomorrow for the explication.

 

Photos courtesy of WTF encyclopedia. 

Important: You may be entitled to money

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IMPORTANT NOTICE

This notice is to advise you that you have been identified as a potential plaintiff in a class action suit.

1.If you or any member of your family, literate or illiterate, are in any way, shape, or form offended, perplexed, flummoxed, miffed, piqued, ticked off, galled, mauled, stalled, appalled, or put out, in, on, through and/or by any letter, word, phrase, clause, dangling modifier, use of punctuation or lack thereof; or, if after experiencing any of the heretofore said offenses to any of your real or imaginary sensibilities, which, in my humble opinion, should really be dealt with in therapy, counseling, neurofeedback, breathwork, mindfulness, mindlessless, psychoanalysis, and all other things psycho; and, if you have experienced any type of hypochondria, including, but not limited to, dizziness, headaches, even more cellulite than you already have, nausea, nervousness, prolonged eructation, syncopated flatulence, memory loss, or the inability to lose memories of posts you have read, scanned, skimmed, explicated, or deleted from your inbox without reading; then, you may be entitled to join a class action suit against yearstruck.com.

 

 

2. Should a Superior Court, or a lesser Inferior Court,  find any merit in this claim, all plaintiffs, heretoafter referred to as tiffs, since some may be plain and others may be fancy, will, should, can, might, ought to, must, and could receive a complete and total refund of all monies spent on therapy and/or merchandise from the heretobefore not named person or persons responsible for trying to sell affixation kits, exercise DVDs, and re-discovered miracle cures, which may or may not exist outside of the imagination of not-said and still-not-named person or persons.

 

 

3. This notice is time sensitive because time is of the essence, it flies, it waits for no man, woman, or child under the age of three, who is at least 26 inches tall and must be accompanied by a parent at all times; otherwise, the management cannot be held responsible or reprehensible for what happens to unattended baggage; therefore, potential tiffs, plain or otherwise, must respond to this notice by no later than, but no earlier than noon (GMT) on any Monday, or a reasonable facsimile, designated as April 9 in the year 2012, or any other year whose digits match those numbers exactly.

 

 

4.  All claims must be accompanied by receipts, copies of promises, billing statements, and cash or a check in the amount of, but not limited to, $5.00 (U.S.) for handling fees. Once this claim is won, all handling fees will be returned, drawn from the large amount of money that the now-said defendant yearstricken will receive from one Chang Zhang who recently informed the again-said yearstricken, in an e-mail obtained in a manner that may or may not be admissible in court: An arab made a fixed deposit of $25,500.000.00 in my bank branch where i am adirector and he died with his entire family in the war leaving behind no next of kin.If you choose to stand as my deceased client’s next of kin and if interested, mail me at the address below:changzhang23(at)yahoo(dot)com.hk
Yours Truly,
Chang Zhang.

 

 

5. Based on all, some, or none of this evidence, which may or may not be true, but you never know, you may be entitled to a portion, or a part of the soon-to-be deposited money, including any and all of the zeroes; but only if act now because this offer won’t last long.

How to be a medical expert

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Some of my imaginary friends have been asking me if I have had medical training. My incisive advice for the doldrums, warts, and CPS (coach potato syndrome) astounds them. They shake their heads in disbelief when I casually mention that I have self-diagnosed any number of serious medical conditions (coronary toenail disease, flatulence of the brain, and astigmatic kidney syndrome) and spontaneously healed without the aid of so-called medically trained personnel.

 

 

Now I know exactly what you are thinking: How can such a simple person gain that degree of knowledge and ability? First, I would appreciate it if you would just go ahead and ask me out loud. If we’re going to have any kind of healthy relationship, you can’t expect me to keep reading your mind. My therapist said that’s one of the problems we need to work on.

 

Second, I pride myself on being a simple person (my mother, may she rest in peace, recognized my lack of pretentious thinking early in my life and often called me simple-minded). So you can understand why I believe anyone can attain my level of medical knowledge and insight.

 

Third, to reach my level of expertise, you must have Internet access, an inordinate amount of time and imagination, as well as an ability to ignore information that fails to pass the test of aligning with what you already know to be true. This is what we call “fact-checking.”

 

Fourth, you must have restraint. Most people do not know how to use search engines correctly.  To illustrate, let’s say you type in “health benefits of chocolate.” A list of articles appears, and the majority of the titles declare that chocolate is healthy. Some will mention that it is good for your heart. Others will link it to weight loss. Yes, weight loss. Really. If you don’t believe me, look it up. But let me say this, your need to look it up says a lot about our relationship, doesn’t it?

 

Fourth and three-quarters, we haven’t finished with restraint. Most people lack it. They click on the articles about chocolate and then read them. Don’t do it my friend. Accept what the headline or title says. Nine out of ten articles are what I like to call “motorboat articles.” They rev up the article by stating that chocolate is good for you and then go but, but, but, but, but all the way home. Trust me, all those facts will only confuse you.

 

Fifth, as is my wont, I am developing a revolutionary new medical degree for those who have the necessary qualifications (see the third point). I call it the Medical Advanced Degree (MAD).

 

Sixth, it won’t cost you a thing. I, on the other hand, will spend a lot of time and money on development, advertisements, and shipping. But that won’t matter to you, will it? I am still grieving over your lack of interest in that other scheme. But don’t worry about me and my little bank account. We’ll manage somehow.

 

Seventh, I know exactly what you are thinking right now, and I wish you would stop it. Reading your mind and listening to my imaginary friends all day is driving me mad.

 

Eighth, I recently rediscovered the secret formula of H.H.H., the greatest discovery of the age, or what I call “The Greatest Re-discovery of the Age.”  Once I find time in my busy schedule, I plan to make it available on this website. Not that you would buy it because no matter how hard I try, it’s just never good enough for you, is it? But that’s okay because I am totally over it. Really. You may, however, be interested to know that my advertising agency (see picture above) can be found here.