Who am I?

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I don’t know who I am these days. I have been married to the same man for over 30 years, and he thinks he has been married to the same woman for the exact amount of time. (You’re not going to believe this crazy coincidence: we both got married on the same day!  Just one more sign we were meant for each other.)

 

I have always thought of myself as a small woman with a talent for getting older. Although I have not always liked who I am, I haven’t doubted who I am. Until now.

 

We don’t have cable TV, partly because we don’t have that much time or interest, and partly because we are more interested in saving our money. But sometimes when I exercise on the treadmill, I go to hulu.com to watch a TV show or documentary on my laptop.

 

Hulu features hundreds of old programs and many episodes of current shows. I have walked through miles of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and the Alfred Hitchcock Hour, along with a lot of other shows. Sometimes I watch the ads; other times I take my headphones off.

 

Recently, while watching a show, a Weight Watchers ad came on. Jennifer Hudson smiled at me and belted out, “You are me and I am you.” I looked down at my plaid pajama bottoms and green sweatshirt, then looked back up at Jennifer in her form-fitting black top and tight pants, compared my clunky white running shoes with her open-toed stilettos, and said, “Okay.” I continued belting out that song, while Jennifer slogged forward on the treadmill, and then I disappeared. When the show came back on, we switched places again. It was weird, but then I’m used to weird.

 

                    

 

The other day, instead of Jennifer (who is me and I am her), a young blonde woman smiled at me and said, “I am you.” But before I had a chance to be her, a young brown-haired woman smiled at me and announced, “You are me.” That was beyond weird.

 

Needless to say it left me shaken, but not stirred. I feel like Jackie Chan in the movie Who am I? I sure hope I’m not him. I’m not up for all those action movie stunts.

 

I have to be one of four women, but I have no idea which one I am or which one is sleeping with my husband. Should I ask him? Should I contact Weight Watchers and ask them to send me home? Should I change my gravatar picture?

 

I had no idea that on Weight Watchers you lost not only weight but also your sense of identity. Will I have to join in order to find myself? I’m starting to miss me. Should I be alarmed that one of the anagrams for Weight Watchers is “Wager the Switch”? Or should I focus on the other anagram, “Great with Chews.”

 

I need help people.

 

 

 

(Note to Weight Watchers: I borrowed these pictures from your ad, and I’ll give them back in exchange for you know who.)

51 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. I just let the Beatles explain it to me: “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” Substitute “she” if it helps!

  2. I say ignore the lot of them, identity theft is a crime. Do not let them sucker you in. Next thing you know, you’ll be taking over someone else for them. Stay strong! You do nit want to become one of THEM.

  3. Oooh…I’m going to have to rethink my Weight Watchers membership. I’m trying to lose some of me and I definitely don’t want somebody else in my clothes or with my husband!

  4. Sounds like WW is getting into transcendental meditation. Kind of a good idea probably, to help people lose weight. But the commerical sounds kinda dumb and trendy.

  5. I think you are bordering on the “Sybil Syndrome” which is not all bad. I find it helpful having several personalities (Natalie, Mother Goose, Little Wife) — it brings some interest to my day. However, the difference here is that you seem to have multiple bodies which is endlessly confusing and challenging when you get dressed in the morning…

    • I think you have discovered the crux of the problem – multiple bodies. Now when I get to work and have two different kinds of socks on, I can truly say, “I didn’t dress myself.”

  6. So I guess Weight Watchers is branching out into some kind of gambling enterprise. I have to admit, Identity Roulette sounds like it could be kind of fun.

  7. Talk to me...I'm your Mother

    Sigh. I’ve lost myself, too. Except it’s a bit more serious (at least to me). This a.m. as I was writing for a guest post I realized that I have been trying to emulate your writing skills. When I write a sentence it seems mundane and lifeless. The words push themselves around and end up without nuance and depth. They stretch across the page in a lifeless collection of letters, begging for help.

    I left my writing in search of your email address so that I could send a back message letting you know how much I admire your mind spilling out through your fingers.

    I got sidetracked and read this post and decided that I may as well be brave and tell you in public. I am crushed by the weight of my hope of writing like you.

    While you’re busy searching may I please borrow your mind or your fingers?

    • This touched me so deeply. I appreciate that you like my writing style, but you have a voice as well. You can say and express things in a way that I can never do; that’s the beauty of having these blogs.

  8. Hello, yearstricken,

    I know this is a silly pun – “You’re not going to believe this crazy coincidence: we both got married on the same day! Just one more sign we were meant for each other.” I laughed hard, nonetheless. 🙂

    Hmmn, am thinking, even as you have no cable, one or the other medium or platform is gonna get you. I mean, there’s no running away from people who are determined to get into your system. Don’t you worry, I suppose, at some points, Jennifer Hudson herself gets confused, see? 😉

  9. Well, if your husband is not sleeping with you, perhaps you need to check who he is sleeping with….but maybe you are sleeping with someone who is sleeping with Jennifer. Oh, it is all so confusing!!!

    Good stuff!

  10. I heard of a case like this that was finally diagnosed as existentialitis. First the woman started talking back to advertisements… then stopped watching her weight… and in the terminal stage, was reported watching her essence. Careful!

  11. Loved it, especially the part about you and your husband getting married on the same day…..my goodness, who knew? I never know who I am until I get up in the morning and check in with myself. Well who’s it going to be today? Oh it’s your (me) again. keep trying.

  12. As usual, your post made my day alittle brighter. Now, when someone asks me who I am, I can honestly say, “I don’t know. I could be anybody.” and I couold ask them, “Have you checked the WeightWatchers ads lately?” I may show up in there, as they tell us we are them and they are us…………………
    Love your stuff. Maybe someday I will try to do funny in a post, but I’m pretty sure I won’t do it as well as you do…………….. Unless, I am you that day. 😉

  13. You’d better go shopping. I doubt the clothes of who you used to be will fit the new yous, right? And do these newcomers like chocolate? This could be a problem. Anyway, your post is brilliant and I enjoyed it very much.

  14. I could go along with the identity theft if they’d just take part of me. Or PARTs of me. Like the extra belly flab and the waddle under my chin(s). Then it’d be OK. But sadly, it seems like it’s all or nothing.

    Very funny post!

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