Don’t answer the phone! It’s the zombie apocalypse calling


This is what happens when you DON'T have a Facebook account

I have zombies on my mind this morning. Not literally, of course, because if I did, they would eat my brains, and this post would be full of nonsense.


Hmm…let’s give Mr. Awkward a minute to go away.


Okay. Yesterday I reported that my phone had 209,727 followers from a Facebook account that I don’t have. This morning it is 226, 336. That’s about 692 followers added per hour, or 11.5 added every minute.


Troubling, isn’t it? Particularly those .5 followers. What happened to their other .5?!


I think it will all become clear in a minute.


  • Someone (probably Mark Zuckerberg, the King of Facebook) is offing followers. (It’s a privacy issue, and he is working on a fix. In the meantime, watch your back.)


  • He needs a place to hide the bodies somewhere on the internet.


  • Sometimes he cuts the bodies in half because the internet wires get clogged, and they won’t fit otherwise.


  • He needs to put them somewhere on the internet that no one would think to look; a place on the internet no one goes. My blog is the perfect place.


  • I use to have a Facebook account, but now I don’t.


  • Mark Zuckerberg hates me and is out to punish me.


  • He’s sending dead followers to my account.


  • All that deadness is festering, slowly turning my so-called Facebook followers into zombies.


  • They are infecting other phones through my phone.


  • They are spreading throughout the world.


  • They are eating people’s brains through their phones!



Wikipedia posted this zombie choir singing songs from the Wizard of Oz

I’m sure that it has already started. More and more people with phones held tightly to their heads are walking around in their pajamas during the day in that slow death walk favored by zombies. It’s got to be the zombie apocalypse. How else do you explain what happened to their brains?


(TIP: When you answer your phone, if you hear the Wizard of Oz playing in the background and someone singing “If I Only Had a Brain,” hang up the phone!)

21 thoughts on “Don’t answer the phone! It’s the zombie apocalypse calling

  1. I’m thankful not to have an iPhone today — how many zombies do we really need? Please send some of your facebook followers to my page so that I will feel as special as you.

  2. I have a i phone but I think I must take it back to the store to seek a refund as so far it has failed to deliver any followers whatsoever. Not even a single or .5 of a single zombie; it’s obviously faulty.

  3. Hahhahahahar! Oh, this is great! And here’s some irony for you: I just shared this on…yes…Facebook.

    So have you seen the all-time best of zombie movies – Zombieland? That movie is priceless. I especially like the part where he smashes in the clown’s face and his nose honks…which…well, I guess if you haven’t seen the movie you’ll think I’m some kind of clownophobic or something. And I am, actually. Clowns scare the bejeebies out of me. Except JP Patches. He was a clown among clowns. But I digress. Constantly.

  4. It would be brilliant if Mr. Awkward physically did exist, I have a very amusing image of him: we’d be all likke GO AWAY 😡 and he’d be all like :< ……okay *saddest/most disappointed face ever*. Poor Mr. Awkward :<, he's so misunderstood. Also, the thought of zombies makes my skin crawl. I have a ridiculous, irrational fear of them. My zombie plan is Alaska because, as they are cold blooded, their blood will freeze in the cold and they will be rendered immobile until they starve :D. You have to think about these things!

    • You could probably create a very cute Mr. Awkward that we would all love and invite over. 🙂 I’m not especially afraid of zombies, but I think you have a good plan. I live in Wisconsin so we should be safe, especially if the zombies try to get us during the winter.

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