I have zombies on my mind this morning. Not literally, of course, because if I did, they would eat my brains, and this post would be full of nonsense.

 

Hmm…let’s give Mr. Awkward a minute to go away.

 

Okay. Yesterday I reported that my phone had 209,727 followers from a Facebook account that I don’t have. This morning it is 226, 336. That’s about 692 followers added per hour, or 11.5 added every minute.

 

Troubling, isn’t it? Particularly those .5 followers. What happened to their other .5?!

 

I think it will all become clear in a minute.

 

• Someone (probably Mark Zuckerberg, the King of Facebook) is offing followers. (It’s a privacy issue, and he is working on a fix. In the meantime, watch your back.)

 

• He needs a place to hide the bodies somewhere on the internet.

 

• Sometimes he cuts the bodies in half because the internet wires get clogged, and they won’t fit otherwise.

 

• He needs to put them somewhere on the internet that no one would think to look; a place on the internet no one goes. My blog is the perfect place.

 

• I use to have a Facebook account, but now I don’t.

 

• Mark Zuckerberg hates me and is out to punish me.

 

• He’s sending dead followers to my account.

 

• All that deadness is festering, slowly turning my so-called Facebook followers into zombies.

 

• They are infecting other phones through my phone.

 

• They are spreading throughout the world.

 

• They are eating people’s brains through their phones!

 

 

I’m sure that it has already started. More and more people with phones held tightly to their heads are walking around in their pajamas during the day in that slow death walk favored by zombies. It’s got to be the zombie apocalypse. How else do you explain what happened to their brains?

 

(TIP: When you answer your phone, if you hear the Wizard of Oz playing in the background and someone singing “If I Only Had a Brain,” hang up the phone!)