Furniture for life


Do you worry sometimes that your coffee table will not protect in case of an emergency? Or have you considered what you would do if you were innocently drinking coffee in your living room while watching the news that the zombie apocalypse had arrived, and just as the weather guy came on trying to hide his delight that another snowstorm was on its way, a zombie broke in with a gun? Finally, is it your considered opinion that every piece of furniture should serve more than one purpose, and the main purpose should be saving your life?



If you said yes to any or all of the above questions, I have two things to say to you. First, you may need professional help. And luckily for you, I profess to help others, so you could say I’m professional. Second, if you hurry, you might be able to get a piece of furniture that is easy to clean and, unlike your side table, can protect your life.



What am I talking about, you ask? That’s a good question, and it is one people frequently ask me. If you must know, I’m talking about the bullet resistant home defense coffee table offered on Craigslist.  I copied the text of the ad below and cannot take credit for the double “think”ing or the exclamation point.



Picture Bullet Resistant Home Defense Coffee Table

This coffee table is not only modern and will look great in your home but it can save your life. Bullet resistant acrylic 1 1/4" think (sic) x 24" wide x 48" long. As you can see we tested it out at 15 feet and the only think (sic) that could penetrate it and come out the other side with less than deadly force was a tactical slug. Please email for price!


For those whose home decorating style preference can best be described as Modern Paranoia, this is a must-have piece of furniture. Of course, if the person/zombie trying to shoot you while you are lounging in your living room is using tactical slugs, I think the bullet can penetrate the acrylic. Every time I read the ad, I get a bit confused. Is a tactical slug the only thing (think) that can penetrate with less than deadly force?  Just in case, it wouldn’t hurt to wear your bulletproof loungewear around the house. If you are reading this blog, I assume you have some.



If you would like a sofa to go with your coffee table, you can now order a bulletproof sofa with a hidden gun safe underneath the cushions. Go here to learn more about it.



Clearly it’s time for me to find a new recliner, perhaps one with a hidden grenade launcher that is released when I pull the lever for the leg rest. Of course, then I would have to have an armored TV in case I accidentally launched it when that weather guy came on.







Don’t answer the phone! It’s the zombie apocalypse calling


This is what happens when you DON'T have a Facebook account

I have zombies on my mind this morning. Not literally, of course, because if I did, they would eat my brains, and this post would be full of nonsense.


Hmm…let’s give Mr. Awkward a minute to go away.


Okay. Yesterday I reported that my phone had 209,727 followers from a Facebook account that I don’t have. This morning it is 226, 336. That’s about 692 followers added per hour, or 11.5 added every minute.


Troubling, isn’t it? Particularly those .5 followers. What happened to their other .5?!


I think it will all become clear in a minute.


  • Someone (probably Mark Zuckerberg, the King of Facebook) is offing followers. (It’s a privacy issue, and he is working on a fix. In the meantime, watch your back.)


  • He needs a place to hide the bodies somewhere on the internet.


  • Sometimes he cuts the bodies in half because the internet wires get clogged, and they won’t fit otherwise.


  • He needs to put them somewhere on the internet that no one would think to look; a place on the internet no one goes. My blog is the perfect place.


  • I use to have a Facebook account, but now I don’t.


  • Mark Zuckerberg hates me and is out to punish me.


  • He’s sending dead followers to my account.


  • All that deadness is festering, slowly turning my so-called Facebook followers into zombies.


  • They are infecting other phones through my phone.


  • They are spreading throughout the world.


  • They are eating people’s brains through their phones!



Wikipedia posted this zombie choir singing songs from the Wizard of Oz

I’m sure that it has already started. More and more people with phones held tightly to their heads are walking around in their pajamas during the day in that slow death walk favored by zombies. It’s got to be the zombie apocalypse. How else do you explain what happened to their brains?


(TIP: When you answer your phone, if you hear the Wizard of Oz playing in the background and someone singing “If I Only Had a Brain,” hang up the phone!)