Furniture for life


Do you worry sometimes that your coffee table will not protect in case of an emergency? Or have you considered what you would do if you were innocently drinking coffee in your living room while watching the news that the zombie apocalypse had arrived, and just as the weather guy came on trying to hide his delight that another snowstorm was on its way, a zombie broke in with a gun? Finally, is it your considered opinion that every piece of furniture should serve more than one purpose, and the main purpose should be saving your life?



If you said yes to any or all of the above questions, I have two things to say to you. First, you may need professional help. And luckily for you, I profess to help others, so you could say I’m professional. Second, if you hurry, you might be able to get a piece of furniture that is easy to clean and, unlike your side table, can protect your life.



What am I talking about, you ask? That’s a good question, and it is one people frequently ask me. If you must know, I’m talking about the bullet resistant home defense coffee table offered on Craigslist.  I copied the text of the ad below and cannot take credit for the double “think”ing or the exclamation point.



Picture Bullet Resistant Home Defense Coffee Table

This coffee table is not only modern and will look great in your home but it can save your life. Bullet resistant acrylic 1 1/4" think (sic) x 24" wide x 48" long. As you can see we tested it out at 15 feet and the only think (sic) that could penetrate it and come out the other side with less than deadly force was a tactical slug. Please email for price!


For those whose home decorating style preference can best be described as Modern Paranoia, this is a must-have piece of furniture. Of course, if the person/zombie trying to shoot you while you are lounging in your living room is using tactical slugs, I think the bullet can penetrate the acrylic. Every time I read the ad, I get a bit confused. Is a tactical slug the only thing (think) that can penetrate with less than deadly force?  Just in case, it wouldn’t hurt to wear your bulletproof loungewear around the house. If you are reading this blog, I assume you have some.



If you would like a sofa to go with your coffee table, you can now order a bulletproof sofa with a hidden gun safe underneath the cushions. Go here to learn more about it.



Clearly it’s time for me to find a new recliner, perhaps one with a hidden grenade launcher that is released when I pull the lever for the leg rest. Of course, then I would have to have an armored TV in case I accidentally launched it when that weather guy came on.







24 thoughts on “Furniture for life

  1. A post for our times! Very funny, and very NOT-funny. Sorry to know that the current owner of the coffee table can’t tell the difference between “think” and “thick”….may be symptomatic?

  2. The problem with this table isn’t that it shows a level of paranoia that is clinical, it is that I have to get the price through email. Anyone deranged enough to buy this won’t want to give a stranger their email address.

  3. These are strange times indeed. I deeply appreciate your monitoring of this potentially serious situation — I’m checking my own 50’s era coffee table right now for bullet-proofed-ness. I may need to contact you further…

  4. The sort of family who’d be looking for a couch like that is obviously a special needs family, and I know that American are very tolerant of special needs. But the coffee table seems to hold a different sort of secret. Could be that someone who’d be worried about his glass eye falling out over the coffee table… Or maybe someone who has guests who pound the table every time they make a really cogent political comment… maybe it’s best we don’t try to understand every thick that’s going around these days. I imagine that the next thing we’re going to hear about is a coffee table that shoots back if attacked.

    • There’s a balance between safety and paranoia. Since I live in a very safe area and neighborhood, I don’t face the possibility of violence on a daily basis. That’s the reason, I was intrigued by the ad – it’s local. I think it’s a trend though, and we’ll see more defensive furniture.

  5. the thick (sic) about this post, is that it is very REAL to someone, and that thought alone makes me want to hide under my (rather normal and single functioning) sofa. *head pivoting from side to side, with a mild side serving of despair*

  6. I’m now picturing a garden slug wearing a military hat and perusing maps made of slime, commanding minions to push around bits of twig which represent the troops of snails and ordinary slugs arrayed against the cabbages and flowers they yearn to destroy. How will they negotiate the beer traps? Is there a way round the slug pellets? And if they work together, can they bridge the protective circles of eggshell and coffee grounds some gardeners use? If he could forge an alliance with the greenfly and caterpillars could they cause a branch to droop low enough for the slugs to climb onto the forbidden vegetation? I’m sure he’s there in my garden, hiding under a broken flower pot bunker so the thrush and blackbird can never find him…

    • Although your garden variety slug is crafty and able to penetrate most vegetables, I have heard that it lacks the velocity to penetrate a bullet resistant coffee table. It’s those tactical slugs we must watch out for.

      (I enjoyed your take on slugs very much.)

  7. If only they had “thought” to read the ad before they posted the “think” then we would not be having such fun at their expense. I sure hope that they have a “think” skin and are not too sensitive to a bit of humor.. What do you “thick” about it?

  8. PS. My current glass coffee table couldn’t stop a nurf slug without shattering.. I “thick” I may need an upgrade to military-modern. But, I do have Kevlar sheets and pillow cases on my bed for when I’m hiding under it, to escape the heavily armed boogie-man!

  9. Oh, WHY have I wasted my creative life making *art* instead of using my formidable design skills to invent Lifesaving Home Furnishings???? I feel like such a failure. Luckily, no one will be able to bump me off for my ineptitude when I crouch behind my newly-acquired bulletproof coffee table.

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