Sleeping with bears

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Let’s say you find yourself living with a bear. Let’s also say you are around 5’3” and said bear is almost 6’2”. You like bear; he cooks, does dishes, and changes the oil in your car. Bear is good.

But you must sleep with bear. In his bed. It is his because he needs all of it. The bed bears your name: Queen. That is a misnomer; it is a bear-size bed.

Sleeping with bear involves something we shall call cuddling. Cuddling is good. That is where baby bears come from. Or not. Either way, it’s nice to cuddle.

But sometimes you need to sleep. This is the hard part. Where are you going to put yourself? The bear is big and a little fluffy. You need guidelines. (Not on the bed, although that is a good idea.)

Guideline #1: Bears have diagonal dreams, so they must sleep diagonally. This means you must learn to sleep triangularly and will probably have a number of dreams involving an unsuccessful search for a lost hypotenuse.

Guideline #2: Bears need all of the blankets.

Sub-guideline 2a. Dress appropriately. If your birthday is in the summer months, your birthday suit may work. If not, I suggest pajamas. Long johns are de rigueur in the winter because they prevent the rigor associated with mortis.

Sub-guideline 2b. Bears care about the floor more than you do. Floors get cold, ergo the floor needs the blanket more than you do.

Guideline #3: Bears often snore, especially when they lie on their backs. When this happens, roll onto your back and shake your entire body as if you are one giant twitch. Continue to the point where the bear almost wakes up, then gently push on his side until he rolls over. Be careful not to fully awaken him. This leads to more cuddling and less sleep.

Guideline #4: Bears like your pillow. Several times during the night a bear may try to snuggle into your pillow. If he is a mouth-breather, he will huff and snuffle and blow on your face until you wake up. Grip your pillow tightly, roll over with your back to the bear, and secure the pillow in your corner. Sometimes you will notice a portion of the blanket on your side. Proceed with caution. Pull it gently toward your corner, and enjoy it while you can.

(Note: Sleeping with bears is an alternative lifestyle. As is my wont, I did extensive research for this post and discovered that there was more to the story of Goldilocks and the three bears than you were taught. The girl in the story actually had brown hair, but Brownilocks didn’t sound as good. The story didn’t end with her running away. She went back to the house in the woods in Wisconsin, got to know the family, and fell in love with baby bear, who was actually the same age as her. They got married and he has slept happily ever after. )

Remember: Bears shun parallel sleeping

Remember: The leading cause of triangular dreams is triangular sleeping

Remember: Those who dare to dream diagonally will live and sleep diagonally

39 thoughts on “Sleeping with bears

  1. This is hysterical! I can relate but not about my bear. Other than hogging blankets which he says are too hot, he hangs onto the edge of the bed as if for dear life. I think wife number 1 traumatized him. The issue I have is with the cats. Actually only one sleeps on the bed but she needs an awful lot of space (in the middle) which forces me to sleep triangularly!

    • If it’s a queen-size bed, perhaps she thinks its hers. I do hope you don’t have a lot of bad dreams. Or if you do, I hope you can find the hypotenuse quickly, so that you can sleep well.

  2. I had a similar problem until I finally realized that the answer was a king size bed (or two single beds pushed together) and two duvets. Now we both sleep like we are hibernating!

  3. I think the reason I have six pillows on our bed is to be sure I end up with one or two of them. You have certainly given this quite a lot of thought and appreciate the analysis from experience. Thank you for visiting my site today.

  4. Now that my husband has lost some weight and stopped snoring, I find I am suffering from frightful insomnia…All those years I blamed my lack-of-sleep induced crankiness on him and it turns out I am just old and crabby. Who knew?

    • Don’t you just hate it when someone takes away your excuse. I used to blame everything on PMS. Now that I’m post-menopausal I can’t use that one, so maybe I was just young and crabby, and now I’m old and crabby. Sigh….

  5. Did my comment get lost? I said I laughed all the way through this. You are a hoot! Then, I scrolled up, “liked” and signed in. Then, it was gone. Wrong order? I’ll never get this tweetin right.

  6. This is hilarious! One of your funniest posts (to me, at least) so far :D! I sleep with a bear, too, although mine is only about 5″10 and I’m about 5″4. My bear is also not exactly burly so I don’t really have many problems sleeping with him :>. Having said that, when we shared a single mattress and duvet, there were problems. Ahahahah :> I found the hypotenuse in my dream, but when I awoke, I forgot it. I shall have to exact the formula in my dream tonight and hope for the best.

    • I’m glad it made you smile. It seems that sleeping with bears is more common than I imagined. I’ve discovered that even if you find the hypotenuse it will just get lost again. We must try to discover what it is running away from.

  7. I sleep with a bear too. However, My bear sleeps straight. I sleep on a king size bed with my very very furry bear but you would never know it. You see my bear is in search of real estate. Prime real estate. My real estate. Every morning I have three dogs and a bear squished into a space about the size of one of those sample beds you see through the showcase windows at JCPennys. I have tried to purchase my space back with a wall of pillows. And like yours, my bear snuggles them then they are gone and he is back on my side. I tried a wall of critters. THAT DID NOT WORK. All four pushed me right out. I have found that I can only hang on to my little bit of acreage, if I turn around in the bed. You see Bears do not like the smell of feet. ;?

  8. I found your blog through Rita’s. Glad I did.

    But I have a confession. I’m the bear in my family. I sleep sooooooooooo well and never worry about hypotneussesssss

  9. Came here via Rita’s blog suggestion…and am so happy I did! I love this post and really enjoy your sense of humor…now of course I have to follow you (not in a creepy stalking sort-of way though more in a friendly non-creepy bloggy sort-of way). Is ‘bloggy’ even a word? If it isn’t, it should be.
    Thanks for making me chuckle…and I love your drawings of bear.

  10. Clearly there’s a whole tribe of these bears. Mine is, thankfully, the cuddliest of all bears and easily forgiven any linen-stealing and triangular dreaming in exchange for this particular gift. But I like this story and know it is Truth all the same! 😀

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