World domination: Not for rats


Rodents are on my mind. Not literally, although if they were, that would mean my brain was cheese. And if I had a cheese brain, it would surely be Swiss: not very sharp and full of holes. That in turn would give new meaning to the term “Cheesehead,” which refers to a fan of the Green Bay Packers. Which reminds me: We are the World Champions!


Did I mention that I had caffeine this morning?

Okay, back to rodents. I had two epiphanies this week related to them.

The last name is Burger. Why do you ask?

First, a confession. Up until now, I have been unable to describe myself in one word. In interviews and team-building exercises, I shyly stutter and stammer something about being slightly silly, but sentient. (I tend to alliterate when I’m nervous or upset.) But on Thursday, the word I’ve been searching for my entire life was revealed to me; it is “mouseburger.” Frankly, I’m a little disappointed that no one cared enough to tell me about it. It’s been around since at least 1971. But then, I’m used to that sort of thing. That’s what happens when you are “a drab, timid, or unexceptional woman.”

The song Nat sang that wasn't about me

If I had to describe myself with a song, it would be Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable,” except that I would have to remove the prefix –un and replace it with the word “so.” Ironically, no one usually remembers Irving Gordon, the man who wrote the song.

As proof of my forgettability, I offer the following. A number of times, I have been introduced to someone (let’s call him Nat and let’s say he has an incredible silky baritone voice and should really be a singer, but he’s not because he’s at the kind of gathering I attend). We chat a bit, say goodbye, and then I run into him later at another gathering. On being re-introduced, Nat will invariably say, “Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Okay, maybe that’s happened to you once or twice. But don’t start feeling smug yet. When my children were in high school, I met a woman I’ll call Lethe. The school was small, so we’re not talking about thousands of parents. We met at a school concert and talked a bit. The next time I saw her, someone asked her if she knew me. No, she didn’t believe we had ever met. Then it happened again. And again. Yes, three meetings after the initial introduction. She seemed to remember everyone but me. So, don’t try to tell me you are more forgettable. I am drabber, more timid, and more unexceptional than you. So there. I win. Mouseburgers don’t usually win, so this totally makes my day.

This makes me want to rename my blog “Mouseburger” with the tagline “The tale of a mousy woman.”

The second epiphany came while listening to a story on NPR about rats working to free a fellow rat trapped in a cage. You can read or listen to it here. When a rat hears a caged rat in distress, it tries to help it get out. I know what you are thinking. Yes, Lassie could have been played by a rat. “Jimmy, help Lassie out of that rat trap, I think he’s trying to tell you something.”

Rats are sympathetic or empathetic – no one knows for sure because no one can clearly define the difference between the two. So, are they going to rise up in solidarity, form unions, and bring down this great nation of ours while corporations are left with nothing but boxes and boxes of greenbacks to dry their tears? I think not. Read the following and you’ll understand why.

Not only will rats frantically work to free their trapped cage mates; they will do so even when there’s a tempting little pile of chocolate chips nearby, the study reveals. Instead of leaving their pal in the trap and selfishly gobbling the candy all by themselves, rats will free their cage mate and share the chocolate.

Rats are all heart and no brain. World domination belongs to those of us who know the value of chocolate. In other words, Blogmate, suppose you are trapped in your blog and you can’t get out. So you whine about it. I will try to help you. Why? Because I am a sentient being with empathy and/or sympathy for other whining sentient beings. But, I will not share my chocolate. Why? Because I’m not a rat.

It’s been a good week. I can now describe myself in one word, and more importantly,  I can explain why I cannot share my chocolate with you.

Investors, forget blue chips. World dominators invest in chocolate chips!

24 thoughts on “World domination: Not for rats

  1. You have indeed missed your calling…But it’s still not to late. The CIA/NSA/NCIS Green Bay, are all, as we speak, seeking out “spies” yes “spies.” You, yes you, can be the next great Master-Spy.. Be the first kid on your blog to…Or what about an undercover cop? You blend in, no one knows you exist and more importantly, no one remembers you after the fact. Perfect. But, don’t wait this is a limited time offer..Call ‘Mouseburger Academy’ now at 925-572-7377, (Wallpaper) leave off the last seven for savings..Get started today on an exciting new career… (I think I watch too much TV!) Great Post as usual.

  2. Thanks for coming by my humble blog. Just to be clear, squirrels officially deny that we are planning for world domination. Absolutely deny it. I enjoyed reading this post. You have a very enjoyable quirky sense of humor.

    And thank you for showing that our fellow rodents are also incapable of world domination. It suits our plans perfectly. MWahahaha (evil plotting laugh)

    • Thanks for your comment. World domination almost always begins with a denial. This is often followed by an evil plotting laugh. The key, of course, is where you stand on the issue of chocolate.

  3. Tis the season for epiphanies! Yours were truly unforgettable. I have believed in hamsters taking over the world — always plotting. And remember Pinky and the Brain! And now chocolate eating rats — what next? Thanks for the 🙂 dear.

  4. Mouseburger can be the name of your upcoming book which you WILL write. I love rats, I’ve always had them as pets ever since I was very small. This came as a result of my mother, who had one when she was young. She rescued it from being a science experiment or something and kept it in her dolls’ house instead of a cage. She used to carry it about in her pocket all the time. It was apparently very tame :>. Rats are lovely creatures, terribly misunderstood. World Domination is for the mice, have you ever seen Pinky and the Brain? If not, it was a cartoon about Brain, who as you might imagine was a very clever mouse, and Pinky, a not so smart companion. The episode would always begin with the dialogue:

    Pinky: What shall we do today, Brain?

    Brain: The same thing we do every day, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

    It was a very good show, ahahah :>.

    • Your mother sounds like a very interesting person. How sweet that she let the rescued rat live in her dolls’ house. I have never seen Pinky and the Brain, but you’re the second person to mention it, so I have to do a google search. We mice must stick together.

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