1. If you want to join the pantheon of the blog gods, the number one thing to remember is to make your post title short so search engines will have an easy way to find you; in other words, use key words, keep it simple, and don’t make it a complete sentence!!!

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2. Try to link as many words as possible to the worldwide web. The more the merrier. Haste makes waste. It’s the magic of SEO and all the cool kids do it. Avast and away.

 

3. KIM-ize your posts, or in other words, KARDASHIAN-ize them. Keep aBREAST. If that’s too much for you, sprinkle a little SNOOKI here and there. For real class, mention PARIS and your time in the HILTON. Occasionally, mention NUDE-colored stockings if you like fashion. Search engines are all about what is important; you should be, too.

 

4. Your blog is not your writing junk drawer. You need a theme or purpose. Go to https://year-struck.com/ to see a blog that epitomizes themelessness. Avoid that. First, the reader doesn’t know what to expect; and second, themelessness is not a word. Search engines will have a hard time with words that don’t exist. Write about what others are not writing about: nun fun, earwax, dryer lint, flatulence, and eructation, to name a few. Another idea is to take two topics and create something new and fresh. The Importance of Lint to Nuns would stick in people’s minds, and no one has yet written a blog about the bowels, personifying air as a naughty schoolboy called Bad Air is Expelled. Be creative, okay.

 

5a. Slick, glossy photos like this are a must!

5b. Drawings of this caliber are rare, but you should strive to develop your skill! (Hint: stop watching so much TV!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Do you use questions in yours posts? Why not? Don’t you know that you must engage the reader? Why do you not have a question at the end of each and every post? Is it really that hard? Do you think they only want to read what you have to say? Are you a narcissist or something?

 

7. At the very beginning of your post, make sure you let the reader know what you are going to talk about. For example, don’t wait until the very end to let them know you are going to give them the 7 secrets every blogger should know.

 

88 thoughts on “1. If you want to join the pantheon of the blog gods, the number one thing to remember is to make your post title short so search engines will have an easy way to find you; in other words, use key words, keep it simple, and don’t make it a complete sentence!!!

  1. Good advice! I see now why I don’t have 10,000 followers, the way wiser bloggers (parties, cool hair ornaments, lists of things people don’t really need to know, teen drool) do. Maybe I will title this post “GOOGLE.” I will try to type (except of course when my arms are aKIMbo) better blogs, even though I know the PEN IS MIGHTier than the sword. I sure don’t want to be a BUM. If I had a picture of a bum, or could draw a bum, of whatever kind, I would definitely put it here. What do you think? Will this work? Do you feel me? Or is the END OF THE WORLD going to get me first?

    • RAB, you have all the potential to be a blog goddess!! (I would suggest more exclamation points, but that’s just me!!)

      I didn’t mention posting random pictures of celebrities with their names because then I would have had to post a picture of one of them and some of my readers have weak stomachs. Otherwise, I would so totally do it. And it would be awesome.

  2. Love the artwork. I will have to work on that. Especially loved the high quality paper. You should frame it. Fun post and sometimes I am afraid it’s closer to the truth than we think.

  3. This is hilarious and congratulations on being freshly pressed! I have been so busy and this is the first chance I have had to send you well wishes 🙂 I was cheering for you when I found out 🙂 I think this is the best title of a blog post ever to have graced WordPresseses Epages.

  4. Love the advice. Honestly, we need a lot more of this kind of wisdom 😉 I don’t find posts the size of rubber nipples that interesting to write, so I don’t do them. Call me selfish, I write what is important to me. If people come to my blog they will get a whole breast, a whole body, a whole person. That’s my theme – a whole life, and a hole in the bucket.

    • All of the blogging advice is the same: you must try to be someone else. It’s tiresome being told all of the time that you are not good enough because you don’t look like the popular people. I’m too old for that, and I’m glad you’re too smart for that. If every blog looked alike and did everything the exact same way, I would stop reading them.

  5. *Needs a minute to catch her breath.* Oh, GOOD GRAVY on a clean diner plate! I am laughing so hard right now.

    Only you could write something so timely and timeless in the same short essay. Seriously.

    You have no idea how much I appreciate this post. And I’ll tell you why.

    I’ve read the same gooberish information you have, and I have done the minimum of what I need to do to make sure I’ve allowed Google to rummage through my blog for keywords.

    I still refuse to call my essays “posts” most of the time. And I have grown to dislike the word “content” in any connection to the word “blog.” It makes me feel as though I’m baking a really ugly cake made of words.

    Thank you so much for writing something so funny and so apropos. You are such a versatile writer, Yearstricken. You crack me up; you make me think; you enthrall me with your ideas and your words.

    I’m reposting this to Facebook in the next two minutes. Love this.

    • Thanks, Courtenay. I think it’s fine to do what we can to let people know we are writing a blog. If I were trying to start a writing career, maybe I would take it all more seriously. But I go to websites explaining SEO, start reading, and when I wake up it’s time to go to bed. I know what the letters stand for, but if there’s ever a pop quiz on it, I’m gonna fail the test. “Should” and “must” take away all the joy I find in writing and playing with words.

  6. I nearly hurt myself laughing, (or was it when I was doing finger calisthenics whilst trying to follow all those web links?), but now I can’t seem to help myself … I actually had to go back and read it again, just to be sure I didn’t miss any of the critically important points! You are like a special little blessing in our day, even if we never know if we’ll need a tissue to wipe the tears from our eyes, or to wipe the spit off the screen. YOU are a damn good writer.

    Please, I’m begging you, please please do one on punctuation. If you’ve done that already and I missed it, by all means, please point me in the right direction. Too much funny!

  7. Of Course!!!! Why didn’t I think of that!!!! The only brilliant idea I have is to be controversial!!!! Oh wait, that’s not necessarily brilliant, and I’m only controversial because not so many people agree with me… (sad face – sniff) Oh wait, the sniff is because I still have a cold, putting that in there would be misleading journalism; wouldn’t want to do That!!!!!

    Great post (fun essay). Glad I found your blog.

    • The whole point of blogging is to be who we are, not what everyone else is telling us to be. There’s a narrow definition of success out there, and it’s not my definition, and it’s not your definition. We get to make our own.

  8. Thanks for your fun view of thing! I’ve been wondering how to attract more traffic to my blog and am still trying to understand Google analytics. I think you’re on to something!
    And I agree about nun fun – it seems to be the rage. One of the calendars I bought for 2012 is Nuns Having Fun. Who’da thought?

    • I had no idea that nun fun was the rage. I am seriously out of touch and (true confession) I know next to nothing about Google analytics. I’m sure it’s fascinating and useful and necessary, but so is chocolate, and I’ve already made my choice.

    • Thank you for using the word “unique” rather than “stupid” or “clueless.” That’s why I like you, Margie. I know nothing about SEO other than what the letters stand for. In most areas of my life I am plain ignorant; in matters of SEO and analytics, I am willfully ignorant.

  9. That was friggin’ brilliant! You are quickly becoming my fave “themeless” blogger ever!

    How’s this for an invented word: feck. It’s the f-bomb and heck mashed together. I used it yesterday out of the blue in a fit of consternation (I love the word consternation). It’s a great way to get kids to stare at you funny!

    Feel fee to use it. From what I’ve read of your posts so far, being stared at by random children is probably nothing new, so you probably won’t notice any difference. 😛

    • Thanks. I like the word “feck,” unlike WordPress, which prefers “deck” and tried to change my mind two times. I wrote a post about “feckless,” which is one of my lovesome words.

      Small children often think I’m one of them and wonder where I got this big old-lady suit.

  10. Well, I stupidly went to Yoga and then Weight Watchers, and where did it get me? At the bottom (so far) of your comment pile. I should have stayed home. I loved you helpful hints, however, I’m a little concerned that your stick figure drawing doesn’t have hands or feet; I think that means something (I’m going to look it up) and the cheese made me hungry.

  11. And I decided to work and am also on the bottom of the comment pile, but an afternoon laugh is as good as a morning laugh. Everything I’ve read of yours cracks me up. All this and blogging tips too. You truly are a goddess!

  12. This is great advice, but if you really want people to read this post, you’ll add a couple dozen more tags to it.

    Also — lovely artwork. I love the fact that your camera says “camera”.

  13. I’m still recovering from “subligaculm” … which propelled me to your “follow” button. I’m not a follower by nature, but couldn’t resist. Now with this wealth of information on luring readers to my gestating blogs, I know I’m in deep trouble. I’ve been bavarcating about recondite topics since my teenage years and now with two blogs all to myself, I’m in hog heaven. But Year-Struck is dangerous. I can see I’m in danger of becoming a “follower” …. which is something I’ve never done. I have to warn myself …” Be afraid ….. be very afraid …” You are GOOD!

  14. You must truly be my fairy godmother, because you have taught me that I am Perfect. I believe I can say that I am the Perfect Opposite of everything you have described above as the ideal blogger. What a relief! Now that I am Perfect I can relax and just be myself. What a great day this is!

  15. Since I am not always in front of my computer, and sometimes arrive at an article when it’s no longer hot off the press… and find many comments that were posted before I got to it… I wonder whether there’s any point in adding still another voice of appreciation… much like those who came before me. Maybe that is what the ‘like’ button is for. But still, because I’ve only recently discovered you, I will risk the possibility of being a nuisance, and actually spell out the fact that I enjoy your articles very much, and found this one especially amusing. I think that if we were to examine all the many individuals who make it to our writing by way of Google search, we might be less driven to attract them. But on the other hand, sometimes blind luck introduces us to someone we hadn’t expected to find… but who adds something meaningful to our lives. And that’s how I feel about finding you.

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