Thank you for dinner, dear. I think I'll just crawl over to my rocking recliner if you don't mind.
At night I often try to write something for the blog, but there’s something in the food I eat at dinner that turns me into a slug. A rocking slug, who sits in her rocking recliner reading blogs and growing more and more sluggish.
I trust that when I awake I will be able to crawl to the coffee pot for some of that magic potion that transforms me from slug to the little known super hero called The Texan WordSlinger. That’s what all my imaginary fans call me. Armed with a dictionary and a thesaurus, I go through the day slinging words at the less fortunate. Very much like Robin Hood, except that I merely borrow words from the treasures of the OED, and I always put them back. And yes, sometimes they get mangled in the process, but I mean well.
And since we are on the subject of hoods, I am reminded of the unnamed girl who had a red one for riding. And since we’re on that subject, here’s a revised version, good for raising genius children or grandchildren. It has big words and a lot of awesome and almost aimless alliteration.
(Note to reader: My morning brain tells me what to write each day, and I always listen to it because it’s very loud. Today, it gave me a choice, this story or some of my poems. Be glad I chose this. And remember, people in China are counting on you to read it all the way through.)
SMALL SCARLET STEERING SHROUD
One time before this time, there was a little lass with the nickname of Small Scarlet Steering Shroud. She domiciled with her female human parent in a habitation hard by a heavily wooded area. One out of every seven solar days, Small Scarlet Steering Shroud would traipse through the timberland to tend to the mate of her mother’s male human parent.
During a certain twenty-four hour period, Small Scarlet Steering Shroud’s primary care giver solicited her to tote some tasty treats to the moldering matriarch. Shouldering the sweets and swaddling her own person in her scarlet steering shroud, she sallied forth.
At the selfsame second, a large predatory mammal of the genus Canis lupus was masticating the mother’s mother that Small Scarlet Steering Shroud was meaning to meet! After digesting her, he donned her duds, placed her spectacles on his proboscis, simulated her smile, and awaited the arrival of Small Scarlet Steering Shroud.
When she appeared at the abode, she announced her advent.
“Oh, issue forth Small Scarlet Steering Shroud,” the pretending pettifogger peeped forth.
“Why, mate of my mother’s male authority figure,” she marveled, “what huge hearing organs you have!”
“Most preferable for perceiving your parlance, my pretty peach,” he proffered.
“And what whopping winkers you have!” Small Scarlet Steering Shroud spoke, as she sauntered within spitting distance.
‘An advantageous assistance in appraising your appearance,” he
announced.
Nudging near the nefarious no-good, the chary child chimed in, “What monumental molars you have!”
“The more desirable for devouring darlings like you,” he declared, diving out of bed to dine on the dainty dear.
Unexpectedly, upturned the underbrush and timber trimmer, who heeded the hollering he heard rising from the residence. Availing himself of his axe, the feller of forests proceeded through the portal and cracked the crown of the miserable miscreant. The delighted damsel arranged her upper appendages around the area of the Adam’s apple of the axe applier and asserted her affection and appreciation.
After a few rotations of the earth around the sun, Small Scarlet Steering Shroud marched through maturation into matrimony with that male mower of green growth. And they existed endlessly enjoying each other.
THE END
year-struck 
Better than breakfast to brighten the break of day!
And then you had such a delightful post about ferry tales!
http://youknewwhatimeant.wordpress.com/2011/12/07/this-is-a-ferry-tale-story/
I believe your coffee did the trick. You have gone from slug to super wordsmith in a flash and a post. Good one!
Thanks.
I don’t think molars could have done much damage, though you could hardly have said canines as it would have let to much confusion. This is a masterpiece, I will genuinely read this to my children (when I have them). One of my largest fears is that my offspring will lack intelligence. This should see an end to that ahahah :>
I have no doubt that your children will be equally as smart as talented as you.
There is absolutely no slug left in you! That truly tells the tale of your talent.
There’s just nothing like an alliterative compliment to warm the heart. Thank you.
I just went straight to your About page to find out if you are a teacher. I stopped teaching in June. I plan to send this post to my former coworkers because it would be a fun and useful writing activity. I wish I had been more blog savvy when I was teaching; I have learned so much about writing from reading blogs.
I truly enjoy teaching but hate the politics and administrative parts. Are you taking a break from teaching, or done for good?
Delightful my dear! I am tickled from the tip of my proboscis to the end of my toes. I am a sucker for such sweet alliteration, and omigosh the pretending pettifogger peeping forth. Brilliant! 🙂
Thank you, Natalie. I’m always happy when Mother Goose likes a post. : )
So, when do we get, John, aka Jack, bovine owner and breeder, and an expert in the art of barter, and ascender of large ever-growing vines of legume family lineage?
You don’t want to encourage me because I have more of these. You, by the way, seem to have the knack for similar tales.
Love love love your writings! This fractured tales fractured my gut. Very witty and funny indeed! Well done.
Thank you so much.
What a wit! I really enjoyed the post and your blog is addictive.
So glad you liked it.I love your “Me?” page and your blog.