Why I Will Never Say “Oh Shoot!” Again

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While in exile, Ovid the Roman poet wrote:

 

The country here is grotesque, the people savage, the weather awful, the customs crude, and the language a garble. . . . [The people] all carry knives at their belts and you never know whether they’re going to greet you or stab you. . . .

 

Like you, when I first read this, I thought, “Whoa. He was exiled here in the States?” But as you know, just as many of his works are no longer extant, he himself is no longer extant. And considering the number of angry people out there, it’s amazing how many of us are still extant.

 

People seem to be getting stabbier. So you’ve got to wonder why here in Wisconsin, we are going to be allowed to carry concealed weapons at our belts or in our pockets or, for larger people, in our coin slots. November 1st we can all start carrying things that make us more confident and sure that we are right, and if you think differently, would you mind stepping over here. I have something to show you that will help you see my point: a gun, or as I like to think of it, a consensus builder. We are the 49th state to get in on all the fun of being not only belligerent, but also deadly. (The very reason I miss Texas so much.)

 

We are going to need new ways to describe new behaviors. Road rage is not enough. To save valuable time for the psychiatrists who will be defending all those shooters who were drunk and temporarily insane, and also were traumatized as children by clowns with inappropriately sized shoes (and, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, balloons!), I have created a list. I’m using bullets because that’s so apropos, and also fitting:

 

  • Avenue anger
  • Boulevard blowup
  • Freeway fury
  • Interchange ire
  • Underpass umbrage
  • Expressway exasperation
  • Street heat
  • Highway hotheadedness
  • Path provocation
  • Bicycling belligerence
  • Overpass outburst
  • Sidewalk surliness
  • Hall huffing
  • Roundabout rampage
  • Footpath frenzy
  • Pew pushing
  • Mall malice
  • Blog bulleting

Concealed weapon and concealed weaponer

4 thoughts on “Why I Will Never Say “Oh Shoot!” Again

  1. I do not think we should “pack heat” as they say so euphemistically on the street. However, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pack pounds and wear concealed fat. I never brandish mine and I’m not dangerous unless I swing my hips, then watch out.

  2. Finally, I’ve discovered a post where I don’t agree with you. This was funny, and entertaining… and I respect your right to a different opinion… and I don’t know that much about the US, having only visited a few times… but I would wait until the criminals give up their arms before prohibiting law abiding citizens from carrying. As a locksmith once told me when fixing my front door (I couldn’t get in after it broke), locks are just to keep honest people out… you know, if your neighbor gets too intimate… the thieves can get in no matter what.

    • I don’t have a problem with citizens having the right to weapons (outside of machine guns), but I’m not a fan of the concealed weapon law. There’s so much anger and rudeness in our modern life; I don’t like the idea of some angry person having a lethal weapon in his or her pocket.

      Your locksmith spoke true words. A real thief is an expert locksmith.

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