When my mother gave birth to five pounds of cranky, she believed she would never sleep through the night again. It was my firm belief that days were for sleeping and nights for crying. Mother’s lack of sleep was her steppingstone to drug use. Not for her, for me. The kind of drug that millions of people use everyday – highly addictive, yet perfectly legal. She dosed me with caffeine by putting a small amount of coffee in my bottle to give me a buzz during the day. I was still grumpy and hard to please, but I stayed awake long enough to begin sleeping at night.
In the picture, the tall, happy one with the golden curls and Gerber baby smile is not me. That is my annoyingly photogenic sister. I am the dark-haired one, with eyes squinched and fists clenched as if to say, I don’t know who brought me here, but someone’s going to pay. And where is my coffee?
10 thoughts on “In Which She Rationalizes Her Addiction By Blaming Her Mother (I Miss You, Mom) and Realizes That the Title to the Post is Probably Going to Be Longer Than the Post”
I’d not heard of that before. I wonder if my mother gave us ‘coffee milk’ when we were little for the same reason. It was mostly milk and sugar, and I drink it nearly the same way now, but with full cream and the strongest coffee I can find.
We were also given a hot toddy when we caught a cold – lemon, honey or sugar, and a bit of whiskey.
“the tall, happy one with the golden curls and Gerber baby smile is not me”
my dogs think I’ve gone off my rocker, and it’s your fault … I was giggling out loud and even slapped the desk with my hand, sort of snorting and laughing at the same time … even now, reading it again, I can’t help smiling … if you weren’t worthy of all those awards before, you sure as hell are now … any time someone can get this old grouchy face to scrunch up and snort with laughter … well, you are not only a writer, but a magician, too … must go read it one more time ….
If I have caused you to snort, my work here is done.
These posts are laugh out loud funny! I’m sitting at my computer reading your stuff (when I should be doing other things) getting weird looks from my kids. So worth it.
So glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
You’re awesome funny! Totally love how you write.
Thanks so much for reading.