Eleven holiday gift ideas for the wildered

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Does holiday gift shopping leave you feeling like the character Wolfstein in Percy Bysshe Shelley’s book Zastrozzi and St. Irvyne? For the very few that may have forgotten that famous passage, I’m referring to the line, “wildered by the suscitated energies of his soul almost to madness.”

 

If you feel, mad, suscitated, and wildered, you are in luck. I am here to help you. Be wildered no more. Relax and let go of your suscitation. But stay mad if you like. The list of clothing items I have provided (free of charge!) are guaranteed to fit everyone on your gift list for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, National Brownie Day, National Ding-A-Ling Day, National Bouillabaisse Day, and International Talk with a Fake British Accent Day.

 

Consider:

 

 

1.     The Civil Suit –  Lawyers love this outfit. Comes mostly in shades of gray. Nothing in black and white is available. Cost ranges from very cheap to outrageous. Must be taken to the cleaners; otherwise, very appealing.

 

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2.     Smarty Pants – Do you have a friend or relative who knows everything? Consider these pants. Available in extremely large sizes to cover all sizes of rear ends.

 

 

3.     Pencil Pants – THE gift for writers and people who draw for a living. Very sharp looking. Proven to help them get the lead out and move on with their careers.

 

 

4.     The Freudian Slip  – For the well-dressed woman. Never worry again in those unexpected moments when your unmentionables show. Tasteful but provocative; leaves everything to the imagination.

 

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5.     Flip-flops  – A perennial  favorite of politicians, they make a perfect gift for your boss as well.

 

 

6.     Platform Shoes – Another favorite of politicians. Perfect for posing in various positions for the camera. Not for long-term use.

 

 

7.     The Ad Dress – Do you have any recent college graduates on your gift list? This dress is the one they are all looking for.

 

 

8.     The Nursing Bra – Do you have a favorite CNA, LVN, LPN, BSN, CRNA, PHN or other medical acronym? Good for you. Do you have a favorite nurse who could use support? Nurse always find this gift uplifting. (Note: not appropriate for male nurses.)

 

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9.     The Wool Pullover – Tired of receiving these from other people? Why not buy one for yourself. That way, you can pull the wool over your own eyes.

 

10.  The Straight Jacket – Flummoxed over what to buy your wacky friend or Aunt Edith who lives in the attic? As a fashion statement, they are bold, yet restrained.

 

11.  The Shrink Wrap:  This stylish wrap for psycho-practitioners can cover or uncover as much as you like. Also comes in inkblot patterns. Long enough to cover Freudian slips.

 

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Happy Shopping!

 

 

Photos:

Nurses with babies:  DN-0083981, Chicago Daily News negatives collection, Chicago History Museum.

Glamorous: DN-0087832, Chicago Daily News negatives collection, Chicago History Museum.

I’m here to help you with holiday gift ideas

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Your mother hopes you are not, but if you are like me, you are starting to make a list for your Christmas shopping right about now. For others of you, it’s still too early; after all, there are still four full days left to shop. I understand. You enjoy the Christmas Eve ambiance at the mall: a festive version of the zombie apocalypse but with holiday lights, shopping bags, and pepper spray.

If you prefer online shopping, I’d like to share a few gift ideas from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue. In spite of its German name, it’s a U.S.-based company. I have no association, affiliation, alliance, or other alliteration with this company. In fact, I’m hoping they do not attack me for posting pictures of their products in this post.

The Aviator's Duck Down Hat

 The Aviator’s Duck Down Hat – the perfect gift for that aviator in your family who needs to duck down. “Captain, it’s the Red Baron. He’s going to shoot. Duck down now!”

The Better Winter Driving Cap

The Better Winter Driving Cap – for that driver in your life who is hoping for a better winter or possibly has a better winter than you do.

The Flying Fortress Gunner's Gloves

The Flying Fortress Gunner’s Gloves – for your three-fingered flying friends. (This is what happens when you don’t wear your duck down hat.)

The Keep Your Distance Bug Vacuum

The Keep Your Distance Bug Vacuum – for those who prefer to use electric shock to catch and release their insects. PETI (People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects) had one word for this device: stunning!

The Learn to Play Banjo

The Learn to Play Banjo – for the obsessive-compulsive person in your family who actually wants to learn how to play the banjo rather than use it to fill up that empty space in the closet.

The Marshmallow Shooter

The Marshmallow Shooter – for the busy mom who has a lot of TV shows to catch up on and is being annoyed by her children asking for a treat. “Marvin, stop your bellyaching. Stand over there and open your mouth. There. Now leave me alone. There are some matches in the kitchen you can play with.”

The Weed Whacking Golf Driver

The Weed Whacking Golf Driver – perfect for your wacky multi-tasking golfer who likes a well-trimmed golf course. Whacks both balls and weeds.

The Widemouth Weekend Bag

The Widemouth Leather Weekend Bag – for your widemouth loved one. It’s the gift that has his or her name written all over it.

You can find more gift ideas at http://www.hammacher.com/

Enjoy.

 

(Disclaimer: Hi, Mr. Hammacher Schlemmer! Happy Holidays! This is all in fun! Please don’t sue me!)