The secret to eating more vegetables

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If you had only listened to your mother, I wouldn’t need to write this post today. “Eat your vegetables,” she said. But did you listen? I think not. Otherwise, the government would not need to keep reminding you to eat them.

 

 

First, let’s begin with how to recognize a vegetable. In the wild, if it squeals, whinnies, moos, squawks, or swims, it’s not a vegetable. In the supermarket, look for bones, blood, and gristle. These are dead giveaways that you are looking at a different food group. Vegetables do not and have never moved. Be careful not to use the lack of movement as your only definition. Otherwise, cakes, cookies, candies, and pizza can easily be misidentified. These so-called foods are not vegetables.

 

 

Many people do not realize that those colorful and leafy products in the produce section of the supermarket are not decorations or gardening plants. Those are the edible plants known as vegetables.

 

More than your refrigerator's bottom-drawer petri dishes used for growing mold

Vegetables: More than your refrigerator’s bottom-drawer petri dishes used for growing mold

 

According to the DGAC of the HHS ODPHP and USDA CNPP* (U.S. Departments of way too many acronyms), people (you) are not eating enough vegetables. Many people have told me that I have a peculiar insight into these kinds of problems. In fact, some say it’s a very peculiar type of insight. So, as a public service, I am revealing (for free) the secret to eating more vegetables.

 

 

1. Buy vegetables – you can find fresh ones in the produce section of your supermarket. Avoid the inner aisles of your grocery store where they place the embalmed ones in cans.

 

2. Remove any wrappings. Sometimes vegetables are tied up with little wires. Right-tighty, lefty-loosy will not help you here, so do your best. If you have difficulty, cut the wire with kitchen shears.

 

 

3. Prepare the vegetables. This may require a level of manual dexterity you have not reached yet. If you don’t feel comfortable holding a knife or if others don’t feel comfortable when you are holding a knife, merely wash them and ask others to prepare them.

 

 

4. Put the vegetables on your plate.

 

 

5. Use a fork to spear a piece of a vegetable or use your fingers to pick it up. It’s not unheard of to use a spoon for vegetables that come in small pieces, like peas.

 

 

6. Put the vegetables in your mouth and chew. Don’t forget to swallow.

 

 

You will be amazed at how these deceptively simple steps will help you eat more vegetables.

 

 

Having trouble visualizing these steps? For just $9.99 you can purchase my 60-minute video demonstrating these methods. But wait, there’s more. If you act now (instead of just sitting there), for an additional $9.99 I will also send you my “Secrets to Eating More Fruit.” This patented method of “fruit installation” includes hand-illustrated diagrams as well as pictures of real fruit showing you how to get it inside your digestive system. (Note: The book has graphic content that may be offensive to some people who don’t like the way I draw.)

 

 

Since my patented methods have not yet proved patently false, I’m now offering to help you serve yourself in the same way I serve myself. And just to show you how self-serving I am, tomorrow I am giving away copies of my other most recent book, The Magic of Mastication: Unmasking the Mystery of Meaningful Mouthfuls. I guarantee it will give you something to chew on.

 

 

*Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee of the Health and Human Services Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion AND the United States Department of Agriculture’s Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion

 

36 thoughts on “The secret to eating more vegetables

  1. Excellent!
    The good thing about vegetables is – many of them can be eaten raw and don’t even have to be sliced, diced or otherwise mutilated! Some people really do not have the necessary skills to operate a knife (as you observed) and if that is the case, any method of cooking would also be dangerous. I’m sure you covered all this in your videos!

  2. Now I understand why in a previous post you warned us not to use the bang sign too much. This is the sort of post that tempts me to write one word, ‘fantastic’, say, and then follow with a whole row of exclamation marks. But you’ve conquered my heart, and I try to be a good boy. From the title alone, I thought that this might be boring, but I’ve been swooning over that beautiful picture for quite a few minutes now. And as for vegetables, some of my best friends… when they were young, they used to run around and make noise, flirt with girls… Now they just sit in their rocking chairs. Please be careful when about to eat a vegetable… about how he or she is dressed. A good Worcester sause is okay… but avoid pants and skirts… Ah, I love this post.

    • Sadly for me but happily for others, I did not take that picture. It’s from the Creative Commons on Wikipedia.

      Many of my encounters with vegetables in my youth were unhappy. Most of the ones I encountered had broken laws and were incarcerated in cans. After my taste buds were accosted by them, I wanted to avoid them at all costs. Once I became acquainted with the fresh, law-abiding ones, I learned to love them.

  3. okay, okay … you’ve shamed me into action … I have two yellow squash and three lovely zuchinni being neglected in my fridge right now (a few steps too close to petri dish status). Apparently, when I bought your book, I never made it past Chapter 2 (remove the wrappings). Since you are obviously tsking and shaking your head at my short attention span, I vow to pick up the book this evening and continue with Chapter 3 (prepare the vegetables). Perhaps I’ll even put my reading skills to the test, and see if I can manage to power all the way through Chapter 6. As always, your much-needed public service (for the bargain price of only $9.99) has become invaluable within my own little corner of the world.

    your words are a delight, and I thank you for sharing

  4. I have already mastered the first five steps. With increased manual dexterity, I have even expanded the third section to include cuttiing the vegetables in fancy shapes and in the fourth, I employ some of the Japanese secrets to ingesting odd food. I arrange everything in exquisite patterns on a flat dish and as a final touch, place my chopsticks on the upper right corner at the appropriate angle. I note that chopsticks aren’t mentioned in the fifth step … but feel they are a valid alternative to Western eating tools.

    At that point, I sit back to admire this visually gorgeous display.

    BUT THEN … that pesky sixth step. That is my Waterloo. Surveying the beauty of Nature’s …. and my own …. handiwork, I sit for a while in silent awe, utterly immobilized.

    An hour or so later, I wrap the whole thing up in plastic and put it in the fridge. Two weeks late I find it now completing its life-cycle with a healthy crop of mold.,

    Alas … its next incarnation is the compost pile.

    Please PLEASE … Produce an expanded treatise on that most difficult sixth step. It is crucial.

    Signed … A Strict Non-vegetarian

    • In my books and videos, I demonstrate a number of methods of using your upper arm strength to get the food in your mouth. Of course, that’s just the beginning. You still need to masticate, which many people struggle with. Thankfully, since I’ve written a book about it, no one will ever have to struggle again (if they have $9.99).

  5. I saw a sign at Whole Foods the other day that said they’d prep produce for you any way you want it for $9.99/lb. I didn’t take them up on it, so I don’t know whether the $9.99 is the total cost or whether they present you a bill that includes parts and labor, just like an auto mechanic.

  6. Your first step made me laugh. I think I need to post this for Will to read. Although he is not all that influenced by my facebook post, anymore than he is willing to buy vegetables without my overbearing presence.

  7. I have always said you are both wise and revolutionary! I will watch for your infomercial. has the government contacted you yet to set up an oversight committee to mandate your innovations throughout our schools?

    • I wish I could influence preschools and schools to serve young children real vegetables (not ketchup and relish). I have seen the “food” offered at school to my grandchild – enough awfulness to make an artichoke!

  8. There MUST be an option to just pay you to eat my vegetables. That would be my preference, I believe. I have been putting together a list of my “peeps” (as my kids say): a painter, a plumber, an electrician. I will add you to my list as my veggie masticator.

  9. I’m pretty sure the Catholic church forbids mastication…especially with vegetables…unless you are married. Luckily, I’m married to a couch potato.

  10. Having been deemed a vegetable myself by occasional unkind persons, I feel just a little fearful as I read this–but you describe it so humanely, so delicately, that I almost think I can bear whatever treatment is dished out to me.

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