If you had only listened to your mother, I wouldn’t need to write this post today. “Eat your vegetables,” she said. But did you listen? I think not. Otherwise, the government would not need to keep reminding you to eat them.

 

 

First, let’s begin with how to recognize a vegetable. In the wild, if it squeals, whinnies, moos, squawks, or swims, it’s not a vegetable. In the supermarket, look for bones, blood, and gristle. These are dead giveaways that you are looking at a different food group. Vegetables do not and have never moved. Be careful not to use the lack of movement as your only definition. Otherwise, cakes, cookies, candies, and pizza can easily be misidentified. These so-called foods are not vegetables.

 

 

Many people do not realize that those colorful and leafy products in the produce section of the supermarket are not decorations or gardening plants. Those are the edible plants known as vegetables.

 

 

According to the DGAC of the HHS ODPHP and USDA CNPP* (U.S. Departments of way too many acronyms), people (you) are not eating enough vegetables. Many people have told me that I have a peculiar insight into these kinds of problems. In fact, some say it’s a very peculiar type of insight. So, as a public service, I am revealing (for free) the secret to eating more vegetables.

 

 

1. Buy vegetables – you can find fresh ones in the produce section of your supermarket. Avoid the inner aisles of your grocery store where they place the embalmed ones in cans.

 

2. Remove any wrappings. Sometimes vegetables are tied up with little wires. Right-tighty, lefty-loosy will not help you here, so do your best. If you have difficulty, cut the wire with kitchen shears.

 

 

3. Prepare the vegetables. This may require a level of manual dexterity you have not reached yet. If you don’t feel comfortable holding a knife or if others don’t feel comfortable when you are holding a knife, merely wash them and ask others to prepare them.

 

 

4. Put the vegetables on your plate.

 

 

5. Use a fork to spear a piece of a vegetable or use your fingers to pick it up. It’s not unheard of to use a spoon for vegetables that come in small pieces, like peas.

 

 

6. Put the vegetables in your mouth and chew. Don’t forget to swallow.

 

 

You will be amazed at how these deceptively simple steps will help you eat more vegetables.

 

 

Having trouble visualizing these steps? For just $9.99 you can purchase my 60-minute video demonstrating these methods. But wait, there’s more. If you act now (instead of just sitting there), for an additional $9.99 I will also send you my “Secrets to Eating More Fruit.” This patented method of “fruit installation” includes hand-illustrated diagrams as well as pictures of real fruit showing you how to get it inside your digestive system. (Note: The book has graphic content that may be offensive to some people who don’t like the way I draw.)

 

 

Since my patented methods have not yet proved patently false, I’m now offering to help you serve yourself in the same way I serve myself. And just to show you how self-serving I am, tomorrow I am giving away copies of my other most recent book, The Magic of Mastication: Unmasking the Mystery of Meaningful Mouthfuls. I guarantee it will give you something to chew on.

 

 

*Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee of the Health and Human Services Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion AND the United States Department of Agriculture’s Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion