Since I am irredeemably humble and self-effacing, I have hesitated to let you know that I recently published a cookbook for old people called Doggone Good: Cheap Meals That Will Have You Licking Your Dish!
After surveying at least two websites, including a trek through the Amazon.com, I found that the marketplace is glutted with niche cookbooks, but none target Boomers entering retirement with little or no savings. Few of these people realize that Social Security will eventually go “Boom!” just as their generation did in 1946 when they began popping out. Since I can read, I found out that some time around 2033, the security in Social Security (We are 100% behind you) will literally be completely behind us, and the program will be renamed Social Insecurity. At that time, it will be able to provide just 75% of scheduled benefits. That gave me pause. Like other Boomers, one of my dreams of retirement has included eating on a daily basis.
Then it hit me like a well-thrown Frisbee, I could write a cookbook based on dog food recipes for old people. I felt confident that people would lap it up, and I realized I could achieve three things by publishing such a cookbook: serve my fellow-Boomers, become well-heeled, and slip in gratuitous puns.
Here’s what reviewers are saying:
“Just reading the recipes made me so hungry, I could eat a horse. Imagine how happy I was to realize many of the dishes contain horse meat!”
“After years of swallowing the lies politicians have given me, I didn’t gag once on these dog food recipes. Thank you, Congress!”
Endorsed by Andy Griffith!
Bonus to my readers!
As a service to my readers, I am including two of the most popular dishes. (Please don’t expect any more free recipes, though. I’m trying to save for my own retirement.)
Whole-y Hamburgers (serves 12)
1 can Whole Earth Farms canned dog food
1 very large stick or baseball bat (optional)
Form patties. Cook on a stove if you have electricity or gas. Otherwise, chop down one of your dining room chairs and create a small fire in your backyard. Use the stick or baseball bat to keep away neighborhood dogs.
Alpo Alfredo (serves 24)
1 box of pasta (optional) 1 cup of reconstituted powdered milk (optional)
2 Tbsp. of oil (optional) Cheese-flavored Cheetos (to taste) (also optional)
4 tsp. of flour (optional) 1 can of Alpo Chop House dog food (NOT optional)
Using optional ingredients:
Cook pasta on stove, or if you don’t have electricity or gas, soak in water overnight. Heat oil in pan or over the small fire in your backyard. Stir in flour until you have a nice roux. Slowly add powdered milk concoction and crushed Cheetos. Place some pasta on each plate along with a generous dollop of Alpo, and pour cheese sauce over top. Buon appetito!
Without optional ingredients:
Place Alpo serving in each dish. Sit! Eat! Enjoy!
Hurry! Fetch your copy now!
Send as much money as you can to me at Yearstricken, % Heartbreak Hotel, WordPress.com. My faithful companions are standing by to take orders.
year-struck 
This would be really funny if there weren’t elements of truth in it (and I wasn’t so dern old). I might need your book in a couple of years!
I plan to stock up on canned dog food, just in case.
They have just discovered through DNA tests that “economy priced” burgers in 3 of the UK’s major Supermarket chains contains up to 29 per cent horse meat. There’s a bit of bruhaha developing. These items can no longer be cosnidered a good part of a stable diet.
I love your pun in that last sentence. 🙂
Iams certain that this will be a hit. If one is missing dentures do you recommend putting recipes in the food processor on “Purina”? Do you recommend using a manual can opener to save on electric bills? (Why do I feel like my retirement is going to the dogs?)
We can all just roll over, or we can fight back and elect people who will actually govern.
For special events will there be a cat(food)ering menu? Keep those bright ideas coming!
I hope to develop more recipes before I retire. I may even venture into cat food.
I have sent a squillion dollars to the address provided so I hope your faithful companions can despatch the book immediately. Many thanks.
I shall now need an endorsement from you to include in the next edition.
Oh, man…what about the vegans? (Not that I am one but you know that I always care about everyone.
In our brave new world, vegans will have to forage for their food.
Never forget – Soylent Green was people…
It could happen.
I don’t know some of these recipes seem to be high in “Calo” ries I do hope there is a “purina” puree recipe, included. I can’t wait to clip and clop a couple of those recipes though.
Please write up a review of the recipes you try. 🙂
I think you may be barking up the wrong tree with that idea. My vet, er doctor suggested that I increase my intake of…. wait for it…. ‘ruff’age.. badaboom.
🙂
You know this would be a hilarious post if it weren’t so very close to the truth. Personally, though I think I will eat cat food. It is served so much more elegantly in the commercials.
But those elegantly served cat foods are expensive. It’s going to have to Friskies canned cat food for me, which I will share with my cats. Well, actually, they can still eat the Meow mix. What about vegetables? I suppose dandelions would be good in the summer, since my lawn will be “organic” (no money for lawn treatment). Wait, my lawn is already organic.
In this post, I am seriously kidding. If and when Social Security benefits are reduced, there will be a lot of hungry people out there. Already, many people on fixed incomes have to choose between food and medication.
We can either make significant changes in how we handle our nation’s finances, or we need to start developing a taste for dog food now.
Seriously scary.
Please accept the enclosed $15.78 for a copy of the cookbook. I raised the money by selling my collection of can openers. Although in retrospect, I’m starting to think I probably should have kept one.
I hope you have very strong teeth.
i.m just feeling all warm and foolish from reading your story today. i think that dousing any of your recipes in either ketchup or ranch dressing would make them palatable to even the most discerning tongue.
Ketchup as you know is a vegetable. All meals should be served with a vegetable.
If your current state of insanity persists, I shall be forced to continue reading all your posts. P.S…My dog is not happy with you. Please advise if I can alter ingredients. I would like to substitute canned canine for few of those pesky black squirrels we have here in Canada. Fresh ingredients only – unlimited supply available.
First we will eat the dog food, then possibly the dogs. Canned squirrel could be a source of income for resourceful types like yourself.
Consider the added benefit of being able to share dinnertime with your pet! You will be bonding with them while also maintaining your nutritional needs.
Sharing dinner with your dog might be rough. 🙂
Very insightful! I shall order a few copies myself!
The book makes a great gift for your former friends.
If Matlock gives it the thumbs up, I’m in!
I’m sure Matlock would approve.
Wonderful “recipes” and details (like breaking the leg off a chair to cook). If Andy says it’s okay, it has to be!
I hope you enjoy the recipes as much as I do. I’m still experimenting.
I’m sure that you Americans give the best to your dogs, but I’ll pass on that cookbook. My cat insists on having whatever I have, and yesterday it was avocado that excited her the most. Very funny, year stricken… but a little revolting too.
It is funny in a sad way. The revolting part starts with our politicians who have mismanaged money and robbed the future to pay for today.