Since I am irredeemably humble and self-effacing, I have hesitated to let you know that I recently published a cookbook for old people called Doggone Good: Cheap Meals That Will Have You Licking Your Dish!

 

After surveying at least two websites, including a trek through the Amazon.com, I found that the marketplace is glutted with niche cookbooks, but none target Boomers entering retirement with little or no savings. Few of these people realize that Social Security will eventually go “Boom!” just as their generation did in 1946 when they began popping out. Since I can read, I found out that some time around 2033, the security in Social Security (We are 100% behind you) will literally be completely behind us, and the program will be renamed Social Insecurity. At that time, it will be able to provide just 75% of scheduled benefits. That gave me pause. Like other Boomers, one of my dreams of retirement has included eating on a daily basis.

Then it hit me like a well-thrown Frisbee, I could write a cookbook based on dog food recipes for old people. I felt confident that people would lap it up, and I realized I could achieve three things by publishing such a cookbook: serve my fellow-Boomers, become well-heeled, and slip in gratuitous puns.

Here’s what reviewers are saying:

“Just reading the recipes made me so hungry, I could eat a horse. Imagine how happy I was to realize many of the dishes contain horse meat!”

 

 

“After years of swallowing the lies politicians have given me, I didn’t gag once on these dog food recipes. Thank you, Congress!”

 

Bonus to my readers!

As a service to my readers, I am including two of the most popular dishes. (Please don’t expect any more free recipes, though. I’m trying to save for my own retirement.)

Whole-y Hamburgers (serves 12)

 1 can Whole Earth Farms canned dog food

1 very large stick or baseball bat (optional)

 Form patties. Cook on a stove if you have electricity or gas. Otherwise, chop down one of your dining room chairs and create a small fire in your backyard. Use the stick or baseball bat to keep away neighborhood dogs.

 

Alpo Alfredo (serves 24)

1 box of pasta (optional)        1 cup of reconstituted powdered milk (optional)

2 Tbsp. of oil  (optional)        Cheese-flavored Cheetos (to taste) (also optional)

4 tsp. of flour (optional)         1 can of Alpo Chop House dog food (NOT optional)

 Using optional ingredients:

 Cook pasta on stove, or if you don’t have electricity or gas, soak in water overnight. Heat oil in pan or over the small fire in your backyard. Stir in flour until you have a nice roux. Slowly add powdered milk concoction and crushed Cheetos. Place some pasta on each plate along with a generous dollop of Alpo, and pour cheese sauce over top. Buon appetito!

 Without optional ingredients:

 Place Alpo serving in each dish. Sit! Eat! Enjoy!

Hurry! Fetch your copy now!

Send as much money as you can to me at Yearstricken, % Heartbreak Hotel, WordPress.com. My faithful companions are standing by to take orders.