Does holiday gift shopping leave you feeling like the character Wolfstein in Percy Bysshe Shelley’s book Zastrozzi and St. Irvyne? For the very few that may have forgotten that famous passage, I’m referring to the line, “wildered by the suscitated energies of his soul almost to madness.”
If you feel, mad, suscitated, and wildered, you are in luck. I am here to help you. Be wildered no more. Relax and let go of your suscitation. But stay mad if you like. The list of clothing items I have provided (free of charge!) are guaranteed to fit everyone on your gift list for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, National Brownie Day, National Ding-A-Ling Day, National Bouillabaisse Day, and International Talk with a Fake British Accent Day.
1. The Civil Suit – Lawyers love this outfit. Comes mostly in shades of gray. Nothing in black and white is available. Cost ranges from very cheap to outrageous. Must be taken to the cleaners; otherwise, very appealing.
2. Smarty Pants – Do you have a friend or relative who knows everything? Consider these pants. Available in extremely large sizes to cover all sizes of rear ends.
3. Pencil Pants – THE gift for writers and people who draw for a living. Very sharp looking. Proven to help them get the lead out and move on with their careers.
4. The Freudian Slip – For the well-dressed woman. Never worry again in those unexpected moments when your unmentionables show. Tasteful but provocative; leaves everything to the imagination.
5. Flip-flops – A perennial favorite of politicians, they make a perfect gift for your boss as well.
6. Platform Shoes – Another favorite of politicians. Perfect for posing in various positions for the camera. Not for long-term use.
7. The Ad Dress – Do you have any recent college graduates on your gift list? This dress is the one they are all looking for.
8. The Nursing Bra – Do you have a favorite CNA, LVN, LPN, BSN, CRNA, PHN or other medical acronym? Good for you. Do you have a favorite nurse who could use support? Nurse always find this gift uplifting. (Note: not appropriate for male nurses.)
9. The Wool Pullover – Tired of receiving these from other people? Why not buy one for yourself. That way, you can pull the wool over your own eyes.
10. The Straight Jacket – Flummoxed over what to buy your wacky friend or Aunt Edith who lives in the attic? As a fashion statement, they are bold, yet restrained.
11. The Shrink Wrap: This stylish wrap for psycho-practitioners can cover or uncover as much as you like. Also comes in inkblot patterns. Long enough to cover Freudian slips.
Nurses with babies: DN-0083981, Chicago Daily News negatives collection, Chicago History Museum.
Glamorous: DN-0087832, Chicago Daily News negatives collection, Chicago History Museum.