Wealth by toothpaste

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Would you like to become fabulously wealthy just by using toothpaste correctly? If you’re like most people, you answered yes. Now, would you like to know the secret behind wealth by toothpaste? You know you would. Finally, would you like to get the secret at no extra cost to you? Friends, your answer to this last question disappoints me. You want me to reveal my secret for nothing. How do you expect me to become fabulously wealthy if I give this secret away?

 

But don’t worry about me, friends. I’ve grown use to the taste of dry oatmeal three meals a day. So today, you are the lucky beneficiary of my largesse. Hold onto your dentures because I am going reveal the fluoride way to lots of money. With pictures!

 

First, I can’t emphasize enough the need to squeeze that tube of toothpaste. Never squeeze in the middle of the tube. From day one, you must apply pressure from the bottom of the tube, gripping each side with thumbs and forefingers, pushing upward. Done properly, your tube will look like the one below.

Frontal view of so-called empty tube of toothpaste

Some people are easily fooled into thinking it's empty.

Sadly, many people see a tube like that and think all of the toothpaste is gone! I know better, and soon you will, too. How, you ask. Well, the answer is probably lurking in your junk drawer: a simple pair of scissors. Why don’t more people think of this? I believe it’s because “scissors” is a defective noun (Latin, plurale tantum), one of those words that has only a plural form. It’s one thing to find a scissor in your junk drawer; it’s another thing altogether to find a pair.

Hand-held defective noun.

Use your hand to operate the scissors, then cut quickly and sharply, leaving 1.6” at the top. Use a ruler if necessary.

Both toothpaste tubes and defective nouns require squeezing. Weird, isn't it?

At this point, you should look inside and marvel at the amount of toothpaste that you almost threw away! Some people see little dollar signs the first time they look inside a cut tube. If this happens to you, don’t be alarmed, just don’t tell anyone else.

Yes, that much was inside that tube!

Some people say they see dollar signs in this. I don't,but some do.

To prevent the exposed toothpaste from drying out, you need to place the tube in a container.

It's almost like a piggy bank.

If you are not squeamish and don’t share your toothpaste with anyone else, you can just dip your dry toothbrush in the opening to use up the toothpaste. If you share the tube, be sure not to tell the other person you are doing this. Tell them you are using the next method.

Dip into tube for toothpaste. Don' t forget to brush any gold crowns you have lying around that were once on your mother's charm bracelet.

If you are squeamish or the person you share the tube with is in the bathroom at the same time, go ahead and use a Q-tip. Dip it in the toothpaste and wipe it on your brush. Then place the Q-tip in a plastic bag. You can use the other end tomorrow. Do not throw the Q-tip away even after the two uses!

Q-tip method for the squeamish or if you share the toothpaste with someone else and they are watching you.

Once the tube is empty (check the little opening that the toothpaste comes out of!), you can throw it away. I’ve heard reports of people licking the inside and then licking their toothbrush, but who in the world would do a thing like that?

 

Now you are left with the Q-tips and the plastic bag. Depending on the amount of toothpaste on each Q-tip, you can probably polish at least your large front teeth. Then turn the plastic bag inside out and polish your lower teeth. If necessary, open another tube of toothpaste and squeeze a little on your toothbrush to finish the job.

If you are squeamish, you will have more toothpaste on the plastic bag. I lost my squeams a long time ago and prefer dipping.

Be sure to wash out the plastic bag and use it again! (I shouldn’t have to tell you that.)

 

For those who are serious about wealth building, you can run the Q-tips under water to remove the cotton. Finding new cotton to wrap around the tip shouldn’t be too hard. A lot of free cotton comes in medicine jars. Dryer lint is also a possibility. I can’t help you with how to attach the cotton or lint. If you are really planning to do that, you need a special kind of help. Make an appointment today.

Warm water removes the used cotton. After that, you're on your own. Even I can't help you.

Now, do the math. Do you see what I mean about saving lots of money? And toothpaste is only the beginning. You can do this with other things that come in tubes: lotions, hemorrhoid cream, and glue. Don’t forget to label the tubes carefully. I’ve heard reports that hemorrhoid cream used on the teeth reduces swelling in gums, but it causes food to slide down your throat before your can chew properly.

 

If this has been helpful, and I know it has, please take a moment to consider all of the good advice you have received from this blog. As you know, it takes a lot of chocolate to run a blog that is full of so much, shall we say, helpful information. I rely on the generous gifts of dark chocolate from family, friends, and perfect strangers to keep going. Send your chocolate today. Thank you.

 

In the interest of fairness and the limitations expressly stated on yearstricken’s poetic license, you must be at least ten years old or younger, be responsible for buying your own toothpaste, brush your teeth at least three times a day, and use a lot of toothpaste in order to potentially move into the realm of what yearstricken claims is “lots of money.” Most users of this method can expect to save dozens of dollars over the course of their few remaining years and teeth.

The noble peasant

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Peasant blood flows through me. I like simple food, simple clothes, and a simple home. Even my mind is simple. I am a plodder and a hard worker – show me the broom, hand me the rag, and I will get to work and make it shine. Get me started; I will finish.

 

That is fancy talk for: I am a neurotic. I feel compelled to finish what I start, no matter how unpleasant it is, and I’ve convinced myself that there is something noble about doing so.

 

I also must take anything that is free. Two packets of artificial sugar are served with my coffee? I must take them home. Do I use artificial sugar? No. Have I ever used it? No. Does anyone in my family use it? (Note to self: Please stop asking questions you know the answer to.) But you never know, smarty-pants self. Occasionally, someone visits, asks for some, and I win.

 

When we travel I must take the toiletries placed in my room. If I don’t, the hotel will buy fewer products, which leads to a lower demand for products, fewer jobs, higher unemployment, and societal breakdown. So I do it for your sake, friend. I am noble that way.

 

Proof of how I am saving the economy. You're welcome.

 

I also ask others for their free toiletries, so I have bags of stuff. A number of years ago, I reached into one of those bags and pulled out a small, silver tube of toothpaste. I put all of it on my toothbrush and nearly gagged when I started brushing. Ack, I thought, this is disgusting. I continued brushing, gagging and sputtering the entire time, but finally completed the task I started out to do. After rinsing my mouth several times to get the taste out of my mouth, I looked at the little tube more closely. In tiny letters, it read: Shaving Cream.

 

Yes, I carefully brushed all of my teeth with shaving cream, starting at the back with my molars, working in a clockwise direction on each tooth, brushing both sides, and remembering to brush the tops of my molars. Did I brush my tongue? Probably. My neurosis goes to the dentist with me, so it knows the drill. (Gag alert: gratuitous pun.)

 

For a sparkling shave, I suggest Crest; for stubble-free teeth, my choice is Barbasol

 

If this neurosis had a blog, the comment section would be closed. So I’ve learned to live with it and call it being frugal or noble, but if you  read the fine print, you’ll see what it really is.