humor

Descartes at 30: I think, therefore I am; Descartes at 60: I age, therefore I melt

Standard

Student: Teacher, I like your turtleneck. Is it one of those new scrunchy kinds?

Yearstricken: (Places hands on throat – her own, not the student’s) I’m not wearing a turtleneck. And student, this is not the way to an A.

Student: Does teacher want chocolate?

Yearstricken: Yes, very dark, on the bitter side.

As the student walks away, Yearstricken thinks she hears the student mutter, “Like teacher?”

This exchange is almost true: Yearstricken loves dark chocolate; her students know this. And her face is starting to melt. Her cheeks are starting to hang off her face. People call them jowls. This makes Yearstricken scowl, howl, growl and make rhymes. A lot of her face is melting down her neck, but it has nowhere to go because her shoulders are in the way. Her skin is puddling there.

(Time out for dark chocolate.)

Hi, I’m back and speaking in the first person again. Chocolate helps me that way. One of my recurring dreams is that I can fly. By merely raising my arms, I can lift off and fly all around the dream universe. After watching those videos where people in wingsuits jump off mountains and fly, I realize that these dreams are prophetic and I’ve been preparing all my life to jump off mountains and fly, but without the wingsuit. My arms are ready, very flappable, that is, able to flap. In fact, I could go as a bat on Halloween if I painted them black.

So, where does Descartes come into all this? He watched a candle melt and developed an entire system of knowledge, how we know that we know what we know. He was a very knowing man. He called it the Wax Argument and in his book, Meditations, he includes this line: The wax can be extended in ways that I cannot accurately imagine.

The Wax Argument - I age, therefore I melt

Really, that’s what he said. I cannot make up things like that.

If Descartes had made it to 60 (he died at age 56), I have no doubt he would have made the connection to that candle and the way people melt as they age. Also, he would be amazed at the ways in which my candle is extending. If he were here, I’m sure he’d thank me for making all this clear.

Northeast Wisconsin: Serving America

Standard

As you know, America has been steadily losing manufacturing jobs to not-America, where they seem to make everything cheaper and better.

But here in northeastern Wisconsin, we are doing something about that. We are showing those not-Americans! Oh sure, they can and do make dumb waiters (who talk funny), but we can make them dumber! And ours speak English, kind of.

Stand up, America, and be proud. Then sit down and let us serve you.

P.S. You know all those people whose elevators do not go all the way to the top? We do that here, too! You’re welcome.

You Were Here

Standard

Darts on blouses are useful for younger women as a sign marker, You Are Here. In old age, the darts keep pointing, but the breasts have been there and seen that. Now, they are off exploring the belly and making plans to visit the knees before they die.