Dear Canada, we need to talk


united-states-canada-mapDear Canada,


I like you. Really, I do.


I love the way you keep polar bears away from Wisconsin. Few things are as disconcerting as finding a hungry polar bear on your porch when you walk out your front door.


I feel a great deal of loyalty to you, too. Probably because when I was younger I drove up the Alcan Highway with my family from Texas to Alaska. That time with you so long ago probably explains that incident a few years ago in France when I committed a fox paw (that unlucky charm of the French, which they spell faux pas). I was so embarrassed, but I smiled sheepishly and said, “Sorry, I’m Canadian.” Honestly, I felt Canadian then, and proud of it.


Wisconsin and Canada are close. Maybe not as close as you and Minnesota or some of those other not-Wisconsin states. But that lake between Wisconsin and the part of you known as Ontario has helped the two of you develop what anyone can see is a Superior relationship.


I wouldn’t criticize you if you weren’t so close to Wisconsin, but since no one else seems willing to talk to you about it, I feel I have to. It’s your problem of passing wind. Please don’t be offended. Meteorological flatulence is no laughing matter, and it’s difficult to talk about, but we need to have this discussion.


Arctic wind, as you know, is powerful stuff. This month, the wind you passed was so cold that people here couldn’t talk when they were outside. Their speech bubbles froze in mid-air and shattered on the ground. We’ve all had to carry axes with us when we go outside. If you walk too slowly, you freeze in place and have to chop yourself free. Many of friends now wear a much smaller shoe size. No one knows how many of the snow mounds dotting the landscape are people who didn’t move fast enough and froze in place. We won’t know until spring. Your wind is so bad that when small children cry, their eyelids freeze shut; then they bump into flagpoles, cry out, and get their tongues stuck. It makes it really hard to raise and lower the flag when that happens.


Please, Canada, if you can’t control your meteorological indigestion and you have to pass wind, turn the other cheek and let it rip toward the north.


Your friend,


Yearstricken for Wisconsin






50 thoughts on “Dear Canada, we need to talk

  1. Almost Iowa

    Year-struck, I don’t think you are being fair. Our cold air is not all of Canada’s fault. Certainly the good folks of British Colombia, Quebec and Novia Scotia bear us no ill will, so must hold them harmless.

    Let’s point the bitterly cold finger of blame at the Albertans. Them and their Alberta Clippers. But they are not alone. Blame also must be assigned to the Saskatchewans and Manitobans who have been spitting cold weather in our direction all winter…

    And where do they get all that cold weather? Take a look at today’s forecast for Moscow. A balmy 12F.

  2. I am from Canada and am trying to contact the gas companies to redirect the wind. Perhaps out the north end. As usual, your icy comments are cracking me up.

  3. Mad Queen Linda

    Where the hell are the Fresh Press people when you need them? The must be frozen or they certainly would have found this post.

  4. I have a hard time even imagining it being so freakishly frigid outside, since I’m always whining and complaining about the Texas version of winter. Wisconsin? Oh, Lordy, NO! I’m a tough old gal, but I’m not THAT tough! My hat’s off to you (oh wait, in this wind, better keep my hat on). 🙂

  5. As those Pythonesque battlement-keepers of yore would say, they ‘fart in our general direction’, and it’s mighty insulting! I used to own many, many more layers of clothing during the years when we spent a portion of the winter in Edmonton, and wore nearly all of them at the same time as well. But as you’re proving, south of the border locales aren’t immune to the craziness that is polar chill. Mom did come home one day (when we lived near Chicago) a little late to open the door when my little sister got home from school and found her wedged inside the storm door with tears frozen on her face. That was the last time Mom came home at a leisurely pace! Of course, we also had the privilege of being able to lace up our ice skates in the comfort of our own porch and traipse up the street to the park where the baseball diamond was our rink, so there were a few compensations.

    Stay warm and safe!!

  6. I am from Ontario and know full well about the origins of the windy flatulence coming from Canada. Specifically, this bitterly cold winter is coming from Toronto and emanating directly from that puffed-up, bloated ego, sorry excuse for a crack-smoking mayor we have in Toronto…none other than the infamous Rob Ford. That man’s soul is as cold as a whore’s heart! And when he blows smoke…sadly it heads your way. Mea culpa to all our American neighbours who must suffer the consequences of a fool.

  7. A very brave post, yearstricken… Such a subject is usually avoided… at least till the situation becomes unbearable. But I understand that it’s gotten unbearable in Wisconsin, and I send you all my sympathy. One can only hope that the Canadians will respect your straight forward approach, and do their best to clear the air.

  8. Sorry to hear of your plight. Canada should be more considerate. Having never visited, or lived in, either place, I cannot feel your pain, but as an Englishman who moved to Sweden to marry a Swede who used to live in Newfoundland… I’m sure there’s some sort of sympathy-by-proxy thing going on there.

    Happy New Year.

  9. If only you’d written from the neighboring state of Michigan I could’ve said Huron the mark, and you could go to visit all the animals in the Kalama Zoo. Moving further east, a post from Ohio would’ve been downright Erie. Still, by being in Wisconsin you get to go to a pastry shop and eat all the EauClaires you want to.

  10. Margie

    Greetings from frozen Alberta! While I know it is convenient to blame Canada for the cold weather, Canadians believe the source of your woes comes from Alaska, Greenland, the Arctic Ocean, and possibly even Russia!

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