Dear Canada,
I like you. Really, I do.
I love the way you keep polar bears away from Wisconsin. Few things are as disconcerting as finding a hungry polar bear on your porch when you walk out your front door.
I feel a great deal of loyalty to you, too. Probably because when I was younger I drove up the Alcan Highway with my family from Texas to Alaska. That time with you so long ago probably explains that incident a few years ago in France when I committed a fox paw (that unlucky charm of the French, which they spell faux pas). I was so embarrassed, but I smiled sheepishly and said, “Sorry, I’m Canadian.” Honestly, I felt Canadian then, and proud of it.
Wisconsin and Canada are close. Maybe not as close as you and Minnesota or some of those other not-Wisconsin states. But that lake between Wisconsin and the part of you known as Ontario has helped the two of you develop what anyone can see is a Superior relationship.
I wouldn’t criticize you if you weren’t so close to Wisconsin, but since no one else seems willing to talk to you about it, I feel I have to. It’s your problem of passing wind. Please don’t be offended. Meteorological flatulence is no laughing matter, and it’s difficult to talk about, but we need to have this discussion.
Arctic wind, as you know, is powerful stuff. This month, the wind you passed was so cold that people here couldn’t talk when they were outside. Their speech bubbles froze in mid-air and shattered on the ground. We’ve all had to carry axes with us when we go outside. If you walk too slowly, you freeze in place and have to chop yourself free. Many of friends now wear a much smaller shoe size. No one knows how many of the snow mounds dotting the landscape are people who didn’t move fast enough and froze in place. We won’t know until spring. Your wind is so bad that when small children cry, their eyelids freeze shut; then they bump into flagpoles, cry out, and get their tongues stuck. It makes it really hard to raise and lower the flag when that happens.
Please, Canada, if you can’t control your meteorological indigestion and you have to pass wind, turn the other cheek and let it rip toward the north.
Your friend,
Yearstricken for Wisconsin
year-struck 
Year-struck, I don’t think you are being fair. Our cold air is not all of Canada’s fault. Certainly the good folks of British Colombia, Quebec and Novia Scotia bear us no ill will, so must hold them harmless.
Let’s point the bitterly cold finger of blame at the Albertans. Them and their Alberta Clippers. But they are not alone. Blame also must be assigned to the Saskatchewans and Manitobans who have been spitting cold weather in our direction all winter…
And where do they get all that cold weather? Take a look at today’s forecast for Moscow. A balmy 12F.
I’m afraid it’s a case of guilty by association. In the same way, all Americans are responsible for Miley Cyrus, Duck Dynasty, and fried cheese curds.
please, I’ll gladly accept responsibility for a lot of things, but Miley? And the Duck Dudes? Nooooo!
Unfortunately, that flatulence is coming down to Pennsylvania. Let’s hope your letter works.
I’ll be wearing an extra pair of long johns this week just in case it doesn’t work.
I am from Canada and am trying to contact the gas companies to redirect the wind. Perhaps out the north end. As usual, your icy comments are cracking me up.
Thanks for your help, and thanks for reading.
Thanks for being so honest with those Canadians. They always seem so nice and polite.
All the Canadians I’ve met so far, I’ve liked. After this post, I’m not sure all of them will feel the same about me. 🙂
Reblogged this on The Things I Never.
Thanks!
🙂
Love it. This cold wind being passed from the north is getting very old. We Minnesotans are behind you in this plea.
It’s been an incredibly cold month and the forecast is for more this week. You know it’s cold when it’s 10 degrees above zero and that somehow makes you happy.
So sorry! We will have to stop feeding the nation anything that provokes wind.
Laughing, as my teeth chatter. We’ve had ‘the vortex’ here for a week.
No hard feelings, just cold ones, very, very cold ones. 🙂
Beans, beans, good for the heart — not so much for the
Heartland!
Exactly!
I’ve just spoken to a couple of influential Canadian friends of mine, and they said that they’d be happy to address Wisconsin’s problem; right after they’re done icing-down Hell for a hockey game..
That made me smile.
Quid pro quo..
I’ve been wanting to say these same things to Canada, but I couldn’t get past the awkwardness. Thank you for tackling this touchy situation.
You’re welcome.
Must be all that Kraft Dinner… 🙂 Here’s hoping you won’t need a smaller shoe size before spring!
If I end up with smaller feet, people will think I was just axing for it.
you just HAD to go there, didn’t you?
Good to see your wit is still sharp!
Where the hell are the Fresh Press people when you need them? The must be frozen or they certainly would have found this post.
Thanks, Mad Queen Linda. Once, long ago, I was Pressed and I didn’t think it was that good of a post.
I have a hard time even imagining it being so freakishly frigid outside, since I’m always whining and complaining about the Texas version of winter. Wisconsin? Oh, Lordy, NO! I’m a tough old gal, but I’m not THAT tough! My hat’s off to you (oh wait, in this wind, better keep my hat on). 🙂
Today the temperature rose from -14 degrees to 0 degrees and my husband told his sister it was warming up. I’m sure there’s a name for this kind of madness.
As those Pythonesque battlement-keepers of yore would say, they ‘fart in our general direction’, and it’s mighty insulting! I used to own many, many more layers of clothing during the years when we spent a portion of the winter in Edmonton, and wore nearly all of them at the same time as well. But as you’re proving, south of the border locales aren’t immune to the craziness that is polar chill. Mom did come home one day (when we lived near Chicago) a little late to open the door when my little sister got home from school and found her wedged inside the storm door with tears frozen on her face. That was the last time Mom came home at a leisurely pace! Of course, we also had the privilege of being able to lace up our ice skates in the comfort of our own porch and traipse up the street to the park where the baseball diamond was our rink, so there were a few compensations.
Stay warm and safe!!
I would have a better chance of staying warm if I could stay inside the house. Sadly, no one will pay me to do that.
I am from Ontario and know full well about the origins of the windy flatulence coming from Canada. Specifically, this bitterly cold winter is coming from Toronto and emanating directly from that puffed-up, bloated ego, sorry excuse for a crack-smoking mayor we have in Toronto…none other than the infamous Rob Ford. That man’s soul is as cold as a whore’s heart! And when he blows smoke…sadly it heads your way. Mea culpa to all our American neighbours who must suffer the consequences of a fool.
Thank you for pinpointing the source. I am surprised that Rob Ford is Canadian – he seems so very American. 🙂
A very brave post, yearstricken… Such a subject is usually avoided… at least till the situation becomes unbearable. But I understand that it’s gotten unbearable in Wisconsin, and I send you all my sympathy. One can only hope that the Canadians will respect your straight forward approach, and do their best to clear the air.
We keep hoping. Today it was above zero, with very little wind, so that’s an improvement.
Sorry to hear of your plight. Canada should be more considerate. Having never visited, or lived in, either place, I cannot feel your pain, but as an Englishman who moved to Sweden to marry a Swede who used to live in Newfoundland… I’m sure there’s some sort of sympathy-by-proxy thing going on there.
Happy New Year.
Thank you for your sympathy. And thanks for reading.
It explains why so many Canadians head south for the winter…even they find their weather intolerable. 😉
I would head south if I could.
It’s cruel to laugh at someone’s misery, but I did just that.
Don’t feel bad, Myra. Laughter is the only sane way to deal with it.
If only you’d written from the neighboring state of Michigan I could’ve said Huron the mark, and you could go to visit all the animals in the Kalama Zoo. Moving further east, a post from Ohio would’ve been downright Erie. Still, by being in Wisconsin you get to go to a pastry shop and eat all the EauClaires you want to.
You get an A+ for puns. 🙂
Greetings from frozen Alberta! While I know it is convenient to blame Canada for the cold weather, Canadians believe the source of your woes comes from Alaska, Greenland, the Arctic Ocean, and possibly even Russia!
I thought of you when I wrote that post, Margie. You’re probably right; it’s the Russians. 🙂
oh, was it really cold last month, ms. yearstricken? the cable news say that winter in some places was terribly, horribly bad. anyway, i hope canada gave your plea the time of the day… 🙂
I’m afraid Canada is giving me the cold shoulder.
hahaha. 😉