Spanxgiving

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If you are an American, I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving spread. If you’re like me (and if you are, I hope you are seeing a therapist) you will carry memories of it in your hips and thighs for months to come.

 

 

My holiday spread begins at Thanksgiving and usually ends around Labor Day when I overindulge for the very last time this year (honest!) because I believe in moderation in all things. I also believe that my body’s remembrance of meals past enlarges me and makes me a bigger person, so I’m conflicted.

 

 

Of course, not everyone celebrates when you begin spreading, especially if you are sitting next to them on an airplane. These whiners tend to be the same people who object to using “them” with the antecedent “everyone” in that last sentence. I should know because I object as well. But only if I discover the usage in a student’s paper. In my own writing, in order to avoid using the awkward “him or her” or wasting time rewriting the sentence with a plural subject, I pull out my Shakespeare card and say, “I follow my Will.” He did, as you know, write the lines, “There’s not a man I meet but doth salute/As if I were their well-acquainted friend.” If the objector continues to complain, I pull out my failed poet card, put it next to Shakespeare’s, and say, “Bards of a feather flock together.” That rarely convinces anyone, but I take my pleasures where I can.

 

 

If you skipped that last paragraph, I congratulate you on your astuteness. It has little relevance to the purported point of this post. If you didn’t skip that last paragraph, well, better luck next time.

 

 

Now, where were we? (I hate it when I lose my spread of thought.)

 

 

Holiday spread happens, as does secondhand holiday spread (the encroachment of your spread into other people’s space.) This year show your love by giving Spanx.

 

 

Happy Spanxgiving!

 

 

I borrowed this picture from the official Spanx website (http://www.spanx.com/). If you Spanx me, I promise not to do it again.

 

 

 

42 thoughts on “Spanxgiving

  1. I assumed you meant that everyone came to dinner and afterwards let out their belts (each individual now the size of two!). I say this while lunching on a nice big piece of apple pie. If God didn’t mean us to overeat, why did he make apples, sugar, and cinnamon?

  2. One more time you’ve drawn my attention to the hopeful thought that like diamonds, who owe their glitter to having spent extended periods of time ‘under pressure’, my extended stay at the feasting table will produce similar results. Now, for having exerted myself in clinging to such a deep thought as part of my fitness regimen, I’m really thinking I need to go back for more cheesecake…and a nap. You can’t rush ‘research’. Dan

  3. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    This thanksgiving, which we don’t have in Australia, sounds wonderful – sort of like two Christmases, really. The Spandex would make a great gift!

  4. The trouble with Spanx is, the fat bits have to go somewhere, so you end up with fat knees or bulging shoulder blades. My solution is to stand in front of the mirror beforehand, sucking the fat bits in, and then quaffing an amusing little merlot during and after the feasting and not really caring how I look anymore. Luckily I have the kind of perfect husband Ogden Nash wrote about: He tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick/And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

  5. I, too, have grown from the spread set before me this Thanksgiving. I felt I would appear ungrateful not to participate, but have limited myself to vegetables: broccoli cheese casserole, sweet potato souffle, green bean casserole, and of course, pumpkin pie. Spanx for the advice, I’ll give the girdle…uh-hum…I mean spanx, a try.

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