If you are an American, I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving spread. If you’re like me (and if you are, I hope you are seeing a therapist) you will carry memories of it in your hips and thighs for months to come.
My holiday spread begins at Thanksgiving and usually ends around Labor Day when I overindulge for the very last time this year (honest!) because I believe in moderation in all things. I also believe that my body’s remembrance of meals past enlarges me and makes me a bigger person, so I’m conflicted.
Of course, not everyone celebrates when you begin spreading, especially if you are sitting next to them on an airplane. These whiners tend to be the same people who object to using “them” with the antecedent “everyone” in that last sentence. I should know because I object as well. But only if I discover the usage in a student’s paper. In my own writing, in order to avoid using the awkward “him or her” or wasting time rewriting the sentence with a plural subject, I pull out my Shakespeare card and say, “I follow my Will.” He did, as you know, write the lines, “There’s not a man I meet but doth salute/As if I were their well-acquainted friend.” If the objector continues to complain, I pull out my failed poet card, put it next to Shakespeare’s, and say, “Bards of a feather flock together.” That rarely convinces anyone, but I take my pleasures where I can.
If you skipped that last paragraph, I congratulate you on your astuteness. It has little relevance to the purported point of this post. If you didn’t skip that last paragraph, well, better luck next time.
Now, where were we? (I hate it when I lose my spread of thought.)
Holiday spread happens, as does secondhand holiday spread (the encroachment of your spread into other people’s space.) This year show your love by giving Spanx.
Happy Spanxgiving!
I borrowed this picture from the official Spanx website (http://www.spanx.com/). If you Spanx me, I promise not to do it again.
I assumed you meant that everyone came to dinner and afterwards let out their belts (each individual now the size of two!). I say this while lunching on a nice big piece of apple pie. If God didn’t mean us to overeat, why did he make apples, sugar, and cinnamon?
Thanksgiving on our lips; thanksgiving on our hips.
Spanx is good for other people! For me it feels like hands all over my body and not in a good way. Onward to Christmas cookies….
The holidays are a great time for growing. 🙂
Once again, your cheer is overflowing your spans and spreading into our lives. Thanks, YS!
spanx, not spans! Stupid correction program! I typed what I meant to type!
The correction program is usually there when we don’t need it.
Thank you, Ruth. A lot of me is spreading.
Spanx for the hilarious post! *heads back to fridge for another slice of pumpkin pie and whipped cream*
I have been sticking to vegetables – hearty portions of sweet potato casserole made with real butter and topped with brown sugar and pecans. 🙂
What I can’t figure out is where does all the fat go when one “spanx”. It has to go somewhere so where does it overflow?
It gathers in refugee camps near the borders of the garment.
Sounds like it piles up like rubbish…
I have often wondered about Spanx and its reliability. Haha. Funny post, though. 🙂
I haven’t tried wearing it….yet.
If you do, I’d like to hear/read about it. 🙂
If I do, I promise to to wear and tell.
Cool. 🙂
This post’s title, and the body of it, brought a smile to my face on a dull,cold and grey November day so thank you.
So glad it brought you a bit of happiness.
One more time you’ve drawn my attention to the hopeful thought that like diamonds, who owe their glitter to having spent extended periods of time ‘under pressure’, my extended stay at the feasting table will produce similar results. Now, for having exerted myself in clinging to such a deep thought as part of my fitness regimen, I’m really thinking I need to go back for more cheesecake…and a nap. You can’t rush ‘research’. Dan
I am glad I gave you hope. Partaking of Thanksgiving makes bigger people out of most of us.
Perhaps a new tradition will now begin…..the annual Thanksgiving Spanxing. Thank you!
If the ideas spreads as much as my backside, it will catch on.
I am groaning from leftovers and spandex AND this post. In a good way for all three.
Groaning is a common response to my writing. 🙂
This thanksgiving, which we don’t have in Australia, sounds wonderful – sort of like two Christmases, really. The Spandex would make a great gift!
I am considering at least trying on a pair of Spanx. I’ve heard they are hard to remove.
In the UK when we lay out a good table of food for guests it is known as “putting on a good spread”
I loved your Shakespear card. If you have moment do have a look at my little story here- you might like it.
http://matteringsofmind.wordpress.com/2012/02/11/french-politician-gets-egg-and-bacon-on-his-face/
Here, too, we call a feast a spread. Glad you liked the Shakespeare card. I went over to your link and enjoyed it. Thank you.
Him or her are endlessly annoying, but I love them.
I always thought you had a Shakespeare card.
Hope you enjoyed the banquet.
It was delicious;sharing the food with family always makes everything taste better.
My celebrations settle in my belly. I call it Lower Chest Expansion.
I like that, Myra. 🙂
The trouble with Spanx is, the fat bits have to go somewhere, so you end up with fat knees or bulging shoulder blades. My solution is to stand in front of the mirror beforehand, sucking the fat bits in, and then quaffing an amusing little merlot during and after the feasting and not really caring how I look anymore. Luckily I have the kind of perfect husband Ogden Nash wrote about: He tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick/And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
I love the Nash quote. Thank you.
I have also noticed that wine makes me look better in every way.
I, too, have grown from the spread set before me this Thanksgiving. I felt I would appear ungrateful not to participate, but have limited myself to vegetables: broccoli cheese casserole, sweet potato souffle, green bean casserole, and of course, pumpkin pie. Spanx for the advice, I’ll give the girdle…uh-hum…I mean spanx, a try.
I still have some of the spread left in the refrigerator and, of course, on my thighs. Still contemplating if I should try Spanx.
I feel a smile spreading across my face.
That makes me happy.