My imaginary cat is hiding behind the sofa. You can probably see it better if you close your eyes.
Imaginary cats (Non litterus boxis catus, also known as Felix silvesteris imaginarius catus) make excellent pets. You may prefer the term “companion” if you eschew “pet” as a patently humancentric, exploitive term based merely on bipedalism, world domination, and the ability to operate a can opener. Find out why you should have one, or two, probably at least two of them.
1. Imaginary cats are easy to feed. As you have no doubt guessed, they feed on your imagination.
2. Imaginary cats are completely believable. Put out a litter box and food dish; then tell people your cat is shy and always hides when other people show up.
3. Imaginary cats provide you with hairballs. Due to their hairier-than-thou nature, cats, even imaginary ones, produce hairballs. Few things are more satisfying than placing one or two in the envelope along with your tax payment to the IRS.
4. Imaginary cats make your posts popular. If you want to claw your way to the top of internet posts, you must include cat pictures. Where do you get the pictures? Use your imagination. Take pictures of your couch and say the cat is hiding underneath it. Or use the cat pictures hiding inside your computer. Go to your search engine and type in images:cats and make sure you select “labeled for reuse.” (WARNING CLAUSE: Do not view cat images until you finish this post; otherwise, you will not finish this post.)
5. Imaginary cats offer an endless source of excuses. If you fail to post on your blog, do your homework, or write a work report, you can say your cat ate your mouse; when your family has a get-together that you don’t want to go to, you can say the cat is sick; and you can get time off from work nine times because your cat died.
6. Imaginary cats provide you with companionship. Instead of just typing back and forth with your imaginary friends online, you can talk out loud to your imaginary cat, and unlike your imaginary friends, your imaginary cat truly appreciates all of your catty remarks.
BONUS REASON!! 7. Just today, on this blog, you can get not one, but two imaginary cats for the low, low price of $9.99. But hold your horses (cats don’t like them), I will also throw in five free hairballs, a forever litter box, a food dish, and a slightly scratched vinyl record featuring 22 minutes of hissing sounds, which sound very much like an angry cat. For an additional $5.00, I can send you an 8-track instead. Hurry, this offer won’t last long because someone is bound to complain about sending imaginary cats through the world-wide litter box. Then all my imaginary cats will end up as spam.
None of my cats would come out for a picture, but they look exactly like these kittens photographed at www.christianholmer.com
year-struck 
HIlarious!
So glad you liked it.
Meow meow MEOW GREAT post! Meow! I’ll be happy to mail you my real cat — she’s only got a few fleas from sleeping outside every night and using all the neighbors’ gardens as litter boxes which is OK because then I don’t have to clean ours except in the winter… meow.
I appreciate your offer. You can probably send it as kitty letter.
What did you do with your imaginary cats while you were on vacation?
I usually put them in the freezer, so when I get home I have some really cool cats waiting for me. Then I put on some jazz so they can warm up.
I understand that it’s also good to walk them around the neighborhood. The neighbors will enjoy watching you talk to them.
I have tried that, Kate, but now the neighbors go inside when we walk by.
A purr-fectly hilarious post!
Thank you. I’m happy it made you happy.
Finally, a cat I can warm up to!
They make the ideal pet.
You say this because you are from Kilkenny – the hurling team (in spite of their resemblance to bees) are nicknamed the Kilkenny Cats. Unfortunately for Limerick they aren’t imaginary. I also found a limerick (how ironic) about Kilkenny cats –
There once were two cats of Kilkenny
Each thought there was one cat too many
So they fought and they fit
And they scratched and they bit
‘Til (excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails)
Instead of two cats there weren’t any!
How funny! I loved the limerick, and I’m so glad we are not mortal enemies anymore.
I have an imaginary cat, 2 dogs, 4 horses & a zebra. They all live together happily in Magicland under my bed. I’m thinking of adopting an imaginary tortoise, but I might have trouble getting him up the stairs.
I know what you mean. I don’t suggest imaginary hippos because they are very hard to get out of the bathtub.
Absolutely hilarious. I would sent the money immediately for the two divine imaginary cats and associated paraphernalia but I fear the pesky customs people here would add on zillions of dollars in duty that I couldn’t afford before they would led the tiny felines into the country.
If you don’t mind copy cats, you could just print out the picture on the post and buy your own cat dish and litter box.
Please place my order for 2 imaginary cats, plus the accessories noted in your post. I wish to avoid the upcoming holiday rush, so please send by return mail at your earliest convenience. Attached please find my imaginary credit card information. This offer is the cat’s meow! Please be sure that the imaginary cats have imaginary air holes in the imaginary parcel in which they will be shipped via your imagination!
Whew! Imagine how tired I am after all of that!
I sent them in a mesh bag, so you’ll have to let the cats out of the bag.
I’ll go you one further… have an imaginary life. In my minds’ eye, I live on a cliff overlooking the ocean in Maine along with one dog (imaginary) who remains there and my real cats who visit there along with me when the spirit moves us. With gas prices what they are, it’s a great $ free vacation!
Haven’t been there in a while. Thanks for reminding me. And enjoy your imaginary cats!
Your imaginary life sounds lovely. I enjoy my cats but they keep reproducing; that’s why I made this offer.
Oh,, they are so cute. Do you take personal checks?
How personal?
Will you consider an even trade for a real cat?
Not even.
“you can get time off from work nine times because your cat died.”
I can’t stop laughing at this!
I’m glad it tickled you.
Loved this, especially your socio-political deconstruction of the term “pet.” (But I am certain it’s the CATS who are bent on world domination — even the imaginary ones).
Cats may rule the world already. The definitely rule the internet.
I like the idea of an imaginary cat, but will it still work for a dog? Maybe I should start small with an imaginary canary. Hopefully it wont fly the coop on me, or poop on me either.
An imaginary canary sounds good. It can do all your tweets on Twitter.
You kill me! Too funny!
I’m happy you liked it.